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Finally – A UK Release for Cards Against Humanity!

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It’s been a long time coming, but finally us Brits get our copy of Cards Against Humanity!

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For the uninitiated, Cards against Humanity: A Party Game for Horrible People is a hugely popular (and wildly offensive) game launched via Kickstarter in 2011.

The deck is available from Amazon for £20, and, even better, has been rewritten to include more UK-relevant content, with apparently 15% new or rewritten cards, including things like –

  • The bloody Welsh.
  • Scalping the Milkybar Kid.
  • Gentleman’s Relish.
  • Faffing about.
  • Jade Goody’s cancerous remains.
  • A madman who lives in a police box and kidnaps women.

Sounds great! I can’t wait to get my hands on a copy, so you should all rush out and buy it, and buy me one while you’re there!

Of course, if you have the time and a printer / print shop you can always download and print your own copy for free! The UK version is now available for pdf download on the Cards against Humanity website. Not just fun, offensive and crowd funded, but also available for poor people!

Slasher Saturdays – A Hidden Clue…

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Slasher Saturdays

Like last week I wanted to write about a film which could be considered an early forerunner of the Slasher. I wanted to do that, but unfortunately I can’t do so. The reason? I can’t find it anywhere.

This is decidedly inconvenient. Not only do I have a Saturday deadline to meet with a film that I cannot review, but from everything I’ve heard this is actually a genuine gem of a movie too. I came across it by pure chance, discussing the Slasher genre with some friends of mine, I told them that I was looking for a film which could be called the very first slasher. One of my buddies turned to me and told me that I had to see Terror Aboard, a horror/thriller from 1933 which he assured me was one of the most chilling pictures he had ever seen. As is so often the case with that kind of recommendation, unfortunately, he had no copy to give me. He had seen it once while on holiday in America, and the experience seems to have stuck with him…

Terror2So what do we know about this film, without seeing it? The story starts off with a ship sailing aimlessly, Beau-Geste-style, through terrific fog, before coming into contact with a second, smaller vessel. The crew of the smaller boat send a man aboard the larger liner to investigate, and lose contact with him. Climbing aboard themselves, they soon discover his murdered body alongside those of many of the yacht’s passengers.

I have ascertained through my research that the film then delves into a flashback, detailing the events on board the luxury yacht right up until the moment that the smaller ship encounters it. In this sense this film, like last week’s featured flick Thirteen Women, fits very keenly into the ethos of 1930s Hollywood. Flashbacks were so often utilized in thrillers, horrors and suspense movies that in 1933 alone there were several films whose plots revolved around it, such as The Power and the Glory, Mr Broadway and Suspicious Mothers. From what I can gather, there is a brilliant plot development during the flashback sequence of Terror Aboard that is highly rated as one of the best catalysts for cinematic mayhem ever pulled off.

Terror1Then of course there is the matter of how this movie can be connected to the Slasher genre. Why by bloody murder of course! It seems the way the unfortunate victims aboard the yacht meet their ends are quite inventive, and tremendously dark. All manner of weapons appear to be utilized, and just as in Halloween forty-five years later, the results are gradually discovered by frightened innocents investigating the chaos.

I believe this is an intriguing slice of old Hollywood, and from what I have learned about it I can definitely see why it has been referred to in certain publications and discussions as perhaps the first slasher film. I’m just disappointed that I was not able to confirm this for you.

Tell you what, let’s you and I make a deal. You go and seek this film out for yourself, and let me know if you think it’s the first slasher. I shall do likewise, and if it turns out that is, then I shall be revisiting this picture in a later installment of Slasher Saturdays!

But never fear. Next week will be even better…

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Garth Marenghi Charity Auction!

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Now is your chance to win a piece of history – Rick Dagless’s coat and badge from the legendary Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace!

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Matthew Holness, the creator of Darkplace has arranged the eBay auction, with all proceeds going to Macmillan Cancer Care – a very worthy cause!

This is one for the deep-pocketed, but imagine the joy of wearing the worlds most authentic Rick Dagless cosplay! The auction closes tomorrow, so dig deep Darkplace fans.  Although nothing has been confirmed yet, there may be other items going up for auction over the next few weeks – keep an eye on Holness’ twitter!

Free Film Friday – The Immigrant

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Chaplin1Since I’ve been recommending movies that are absolutely free to view I have been looking forward to talking about the star of this week’s picture. I have discussed obscurities alongside films of tremendous influence, but this week I’m going to be focusing entirely on one of Hollywood’s all time greats, Charlie Chaplin.

Chaplin is one of those rarest of stars, an actor so huge that he is not only cited as one of the greatest and most influential names in the history of cinema, but a man who can lay legitimate claim to being the face of his generation. Like John Wayne, his is a name that film geeks and casual movie-goers alike will be familiar with, even if they have never seen one of his works. And what a body of work it is. As both an actor and a director Chaplin is responsible for some of the greatest Hollywood films, movies like The Gold Rush, Modern Times and The Great Dictator.

Chaplin2One of his very best is another film that has fallen into the public domain purely on account of a failure to renew copyright. This is quite the happy accident, because the film which I have chosen to discuss this week is the perfect representation of what Charlie Chaplin was all about. If you wanted to show someone the perfect example of a Chaplin film, The Immigrant would be it.

What makes this film as hilarious now as it was when it came out nearly a hundred years ago is the perfection of the physical comedy involved. Chaplin, like Keaton and Roscoe ‘Fatty’ Arbuckle, understood the tremendous importance of physicality in silent cinema, and by honing his craft and directing his own pictures, he was able to master the skill of making an audience laugh without ever saying a word.

Chaplin3This twenty minute feature is full of funny skits, from the comedic effects of being aboard a boat on choppy seas to the inconvenience of trying to find a lost dime to pay for dinner, The Immigrant is a real laugh-a-minute picture that is never dull for one moment. Chaplin is at times explosive in his reactions, and when a physical sequence gets going it is like pure ballet, thrilling to watch. That being said, the ending is somewhat unnerving. I won’t spoil it for you but check it out, you’ll see what I mean…

I really wanted to bring you something from Chaplin because at the end of a long week there is nothing better than having a good laugh. This short will have you in stitches, and if you like it then I urge you to check out some of Chaplin’s more well known works. In many ways, he still sets the standard for cinematic comedy.

Marvel’s Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D – Episode 1

If there’s one thing that Joss Whedon has done for Television, it’s incorporate fun into anything that he’s doing. Whether it’s Buffy, Angel, Firefly or Dollhouse, I’ve always found myself grinning like a loon during most series that he’s had a hand in. He’s got a talent for allowing the viewer to identify and empathise with his protagonists.

When I heard that the all-knowing Joss was to be involved with The Avengers, I was ecstatic – I couldn’t think of anyone more perfect for the job, and the same can be said for my reaction to a new spin-off TV series based on the S.H.I.E.L.D organisation that shadows the Marvel Cinematic Universe at every turn.

Marvel's Agents of SHIELD

Marvel’s Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D is the fruit of Sir Whedon’s efforts, and I’m happy to say that the initial impression the pilot has left me with is a resoundingly positive one.

Firstoff let me just reassure you that there will be no spoilers in this “review” of the first episode – the show’s pilot aired in the US on Tuesday, and I’ve been lucky enough to use some proxy magic to allow me to view it ahead of today’s UK premiere on Channel 4 this evening (check out our guide on using proxies to get the most out of your Netflix account… you can use the same trick to view this).

Taking place directly after the events of Iron Man 3, and referencing the events that unfolded in New York, Agents of Shield picks up following Agent Ward (Brett Dalton from Blue Bloods) – a young and impetuous agent that scores off the charts in every aspect of his work, bar people skills. He is assimilated into a new team headed-up by the assumed deceased Agent Coulson, played by the always amazing Clark Gregg. Another actor reprising their role is Cobie Smulders returning as Agent Maria Hill.

Cobie Smulders as Maria Hill
Cobie Smulders as Maria Hill

I don’t want to go too much into the story, as with half-hour episodes there’s not much to discuss that wouldn’t ruin anything for you. Needless to say a new “super” is located, and Coulson’s team is tasked with containing and debriefing them, with a few hiccups and developments along the way.

All the acting in the episode is verymuch Whedon-inspired, with some great in-jokes and one-liners that fit the tone and characters perfectly. You’ll see some returning Whedonverse regulars in the form of J. August Richards from Angel, and Ron Glass aka Shepherd Book from Firefly. They both turn in great performances in their respective roles, with Glass’ character potentially adding a twist to develop later on in the series.

Agents Coulson and Ward interrogate a suspect.
Agents Coulson and Ward interrogate a suspect.

The production values are understandably high coming from Marvel, with great use of CGI and thankfully it’s not too fantastical, so everything seems a bit more grounded in reality. This works in the series’ favour in my opinion – we get to see the truly fantastic events from the show’s older cinematical brethren. Separating things slightly keeps the characters more real and easier to form emotional attachments with.

Initially most of the screen-time is lent to Agents Ward and Coulson, developing their uneasy bond from the off, although the quirky Fitz and Simmons (Iain De Caestecker and Elizabeth Henstridge respectively) look like they’re going to be fun, and a good source of comic relief.

The music in this episode is great, and this comes as no surprise to me as it’s done by the always exceptional Bear McCreary – the man responsible for the music in Battlestar Galactica and The Walking Dead. It fits the tone, and inspires the appropriate emotions at all the right moments.

Although the storyline for this initial outing seems a little predictable from the start, I still found myself glued to the screen, with that same ridiculous grin on my face. I’d say the first episode is a gentle beginning into something that could develop into an absolute monster of a series, and I’m really looking forward to see how it develops. 

Agents of Shield is definitely going to be a series that starts off slow, and gets better and better – I’d highly recommend it, even moreso if you’re an existing MCU fan, as it will just help to bolster the universe that Joss Whedon and Mark Miller are creating.

Trailer:

They Made A Mothernerfin’ Lightsaber!!!!!

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Well… kinda.

A team of physicists at Harvard university wanted to see what would happen when Photons interact with each other, and unwittingly created a beam of light that was the result of photons forming molecules. This dosen’t usually happen, Photons being bereft of mass and all, but it did and we now have lightsabers.

 

Sultry I am. In my eyes you look. Babies we're having
Sultry I am. In my eyes you look. Babies we’re having.

Well… kinda.

Light particles in this new beam move around in a solid mass. So it looks hella’ awesome. But unfortunately we will not be carving our thanksgiving dinners with one yet, as it is only light particles. Now, call me optimistic, but we have lasers that can sear off bone; why don’t we (by “we” I mean scientists, I’m busy making pop culture references, get off my back man, jeez) make this particle beam and the laser have a baby? Lightsabers, bitch. 

Not sure if awesome, or just wrong.
Not sure if awesome, or just wrong.

Mikhail Lukin, head of the team, stated that “‘The physics of what’s happening in these molecules is similar to what we see in the movies.”. which is totally right apart from the fact that you can’t CUT ANYTHING WITH IT. Hmph. I’m going to watch Empire now.

Zombies Hate Kung Fu needs your help

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British writer Ricky-Marcel Pitcher, American artist David Velasquez and Hong Kong fight choreographer Leo Au Yeung have teamed up to produce a completely different approach to the undead in ‘Zombies Hate Kung Fu’ which they need help funding.

The story features a Kung Fu expert called Mann and a horticulturaly gifted slacker named Ziggy. The two form a unique partnership, combining their disparate skills and allowing them to thrive in the face of the zombie apocalypse. Mann and Ziggy’s ‘easy’ life of growing, trading and fighting is thrown into disarray when they run into a scientist who has her own theory on the origin of the ‘zombies’, and how to deal with them.

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Whilst zombies in comics isn’t anything new, it’s the approach here that makes all the difference. Tired of the portrayals of martial arts in comics, Master Leo and David Velasquez are working together to create something not seen before – Super Kung Fu Comic-Scoping.

A similar technique to traditional animation rotoscoping, Master Leo will study the script for Zombies Hate Kung Fu and use his Kung Fu knowledge and film choreography experience to design fight sequences to the quality of his Hong Kong films like Ip Man (which won several awards including Best Film and Best Fight Chorography at the ‘Hong Kong Oscars’). Then the full fight scenes will be acted out by Master Leo and his students (as the zombies and villains) while filmed from multiple angles. This will provide the comic team with a storyboard of Kung Fu positions to be loyally reproduced for an authentic Chinese martial arts flavour.

For more info and to help out visit the Zombies Hate Kung Fu Kickstarter

Plans Won’t Save You – Part 1: Sam Lord

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Plans Won’t Save You

By Ryan Whittaker

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Episode 1

In late 2020, a group of survivors discovered an uninhabited, unsecured pre‑fall UK government bunker. These survivors retrieved a small collection of documents describing monitored individuals attempting to survive the early infection (see attached).

One survivor, known only as “Michael” – claimed to be a scientist by the group – suggested the importance of the documents before they left, but was unaccounted-for when they emerged from the facility. The group were unwilling to retrieve Michael at the time. All survivors were plagued by psychological distress in subsequent weeks; sleep paralysis, nightmares containing “nothing”, and, eventually, complete mental breakdown and death.

Exploration of the facility was difficult due to how unusually unnerving the location was – unnerving to a group accustomed by this point to sneaking through decayed buildings infested with the dead and infected. The group observed unusual behaviour in the infected near the bunker; they would stop 500 metres from the entrance as if silently convinced they should not enter; “It was like they would get cold feet,” Graham Tutthill, the group’s leader described. “How often do you see walkers and runners get cold feet? That place wasn’t right, not even to them. Where in God’s name isn’t right to them?”

Attempts to rediscover the bunker have been dogged by technological issues, storms and herds of infected. It appears on no known pre-fall maps (government or ordinance survey), and no records of it appear in any of the operational military facilities in the Lancastrian Free-Zone. The author remains unknown and speculation abounds on their identity, methods of data collection and final fate. The bunker’s extensive surveillance equipment and generators were found inoperative and those monitoring them abandoned the facility for reasons unknown. It’s theorised from the tone of successive reports that the author likely went insane with a gradual case of Apocalyptic Despair Syndrome (ADS) and wandered into the wilderness.

Case 1 follows (with some material missing):

 [page break]

Plans Won’t Save You:

Case Studies of Survival Strategies in the Early Phases of the Revenant Plague

(damaged material)-no response from the Overseer, I took some initiative and narrowed the search parameters. No longer should the systems merely perform a meta-analysis of mass fatalities, no longer should my purpose be to merely watch over the machines; I have written a filter to spot individuals who announced their plans on the internet, to see if any of them worked in practise. I must not intervene, I must not get attached.

Case I: Sam Lord

Age: 26

Occupation: Full-time father to Darren (11) and Mark (9), Part-time Illustrator

Location at instigation: High rise flats, Salford, Manchester, 10:34 AM

Plan: [screengrab image is damaged]

Subject I (henceforth referred to as “Sam”) crouches on his leather sofa, skipping through channels. His children are at school and the sink remains piled with crusty dishes and plates. He glances at his work desk, silently pleased that the pens and pencils and reference images are lined up perfectly. He settles for BBC1, expecting gap-toothed toff-nonsense in the form of Bargain Hunt. A bright red screen interrupts the broadcast with BBC News in white in the centre. The image lingers silently.

There’s a breathy inhalation from the announcer. “This is BBC1, now a change to the schedule—” the TV says, and Sam reflexively squeezes the remote up to BBC2. “—as we join BBC News 24,” the feed continues.

“Ah, crap,” Sam says to his empty apartment. He remembers where he was when this last happened; the 11th of September, 2001. The news of the past several days have been full of images of shootings, riots and burning buildings in America and the Middle East. He could be forgiven for thinking it was the end of the world.

His mind goes cold, contemplating what new atrocity must have happened, Oh God, he thinks, I bet London’s been nuked.

A jigsaw of streets and buildings rotates on the plasma screen from a helicopter shot. Oily, stinking smoke spreads from burning vehicles and tyres. Noxious clouds obscure columns of marching police in high-visibility jackets and gas masks. Nothing about nukes. The ticker underneath says UNREST IN SALFORD. Sam feels anxiety slide through his guts, then a pring of guilty excitement as he recognises the area from the trees and giant billboard adverts. It’s several minutes away from him, near Swinton, he thinks; he drives through it most days.

“To those who just joined us from the main channels, we’re interrupting normal programming to bring you this extraordinary footage from around the United Kingdom—” a police van rams a line of rioters, “—with other reports of similar events in the US, Middle East and Asia.”

Sam sinks into the couch and presses the remote against his lips. A group of police crowd around a single suspect that breached their line, hammering him with shields and nightsticks. He ain’t getting up, Sam thinks. The cops keep up their brutal beating. Sam furrows his brow. He doesn’t seem to be going down right, either. What the Hell?

The footage cuts to fires in Camden. They had been raging when he’d gone to bed. The ticker reads: FIRES SET ACROSS CITY, PM VOWS THAT THOSE RESPONSIBLE WILL SEE JUSTICE DONE – thunderous red engines lumber out of a fire station under police escort.

“London’s emergency services have been struggling to cope with the increased number of calls in the wake of what the government has called ‘pure antisocial criminality’. We have reports of fire crews coming under attack when trying to put out the blazes – we’re cutting back to Manchester now, where apparently a large group has gathered near the Salford police lines.”

The reporter is right. A large group has gathered, on the screen to the south of the police line; easily two to three times the size of the police force. Straight away, Sam can tell that this isn’t a riot, this is a swarm. The crowd is shoving, crushing, climbing and crawling over the fallen to get at the police. It moves like liquid filling a jar.

“I know exactly what this is,” Sam says under his breath. He glances at his Romero DVDs. “Or close enough.”

A severely damaged number 27 bus rides in from the right side of the screen, horn blaring, wildly out of control. Bright red mess obscures the windscreen. The bus smashes through the police flank, scattering the cops and capsizing clumsily onto their vehicles. The mechanical doors on the bus reflexively fall open and disgorge its cargo; the inhabitants of the bus leap from the door, unhindered by pain or trauma, most of them stained bright, blood red. They swarm the line of cops from behind and drag a small group of them to the ground.

The southern swarm extends an amoeba-like arm of bodies through the small gap and pools outward. Sam stares, unable to look away. The police have had it; this now can only end one way. The swarm envelops and devours the police from all sides. The footage cuts to London, where the cameraman keels over, dragged down like a zebra. The broadcast mercifully cuts back to the studio, but Sam mutes it, feeling like he has something he needs to do and he’s not going to like it.

“I go through that area every day,” he says. “Every day, well, Monday to Friday, I…” and it dawns on him. “…the kids… they’re in school!” Their school is only a 15 minute walk from the bloodbath. He paces, looking again at his substantial collection of horror DVDs. He looks at his phone in his trembling hand. “Contacts… Darren,” he says, jabbing at the screen with his index finger as his thumb is panicked and unresponsive.

“Due to unusually high amounts of traffic, it has not been possible to connect you, please try again later,” a recorded message says. Not even any voicemail? Christ, Sam thinks.

“What do I need?” he asks himself. He yanks on his waist-length leather coat; hard-wearing, tough. A simple but effective defence-layer, he reasons. He frantically opens doors to every room, wondering what he could use as a weapon. Bathroom, shower rail? No, stupid. Too light. Cleaning products? No. Bedroom. Football shinpads – great idea. He slides them over his forearms. Kitchen. Chopping board? Too bulky. Knives? Not really useful in this situation. He opens a drawer, a bulky metal flashlight rocks between the chopsticks, bulbs and wires. He weighs it in his hands. Sturdy.  It’ll do.

He grabs his car keys from the hook on the wall and leaves the flat, closing the door carefully to avoid making noise. The building is quiet, deserted. The corridors smell of dusty carpets, not blood or smoke.  He moves swiftly down the heavy stairs, stopping briefly at each window to peer at ground level and any potential trouble. Shopping bags and dead leaves move across asphalt and concrete, no people.

The car park is outdoors but electronically gated, fob-activated. He stalks his parked car, squeezing between neighbours’ cars to maintain as low a profile as possible. For every footfall, he imagines a corpse grabbing his ankle; they will drag him down and that would be it, to die here between the cars and razor teeth. He shakes off the thought and grips the torch, imagining bludgeoning a zombie in self-defence. He feels better momentarily, then it subsides again to paranoia.

He presses his car fob and the locks spring open in unison. A groan and a metallic clatter splash from the gate. Flesh torn open, no lips, a white-eyed ghoul in a postman uniform claws wildly in Sam’s direction. His blue uniform is now a smeared a slick black-red. His ID reads “John” – the rest obscured by bloody fingerprints.

Sam sprints the last 15 feet to his car. He slams the door violently, shocking himself and releasing ribbons of collected rain down the car’s windows. He curses under his breath.

“Fuck it,” Sam says. “It’ll attract more, but fuck it.” He presses the gate fob and the mechanism whirrs loudly. He turns the ignition key and the engine splutters into life. He eyes the gap, ready to floor it when it gets just wide enough.

The dead postie is too stupid to free itself and is dragged with the gate bars. Its arm crunches wetly in the gate’s mechanism. It hisses and jams, a yellow warning light flashes on the top of the brick column that the railings roll into. The gap is still far too narrow for a car. “Give me a break!” he yells.

The postman’s arm snaps in the gate, releasing the angry corpse. It runs for the car, Sam slams the gearstick into first and pumps the accelerator. The tyres screech and the car lurches violently through the gateway. The dead postman buckles at the hip as he bounces away from the passenger-side headlight. The passenger wing mirror clips the metal gate as the car burns past, scratching at the asphalt.

The postman snarls and claws in the direction of the fading red brake lights.

Sam tries to avoid the main roads; he darts his Mondeo behind the main rows of housing. His vehicle creeps in neutral down wheelie bin-lined back streets and disused Victorian ginnels. He keeps the engine low to avoid attracting attention. It works until he runs out of back streets. No other option, he thinks, I have to risk the main road.

A Peugeot races past the entrance to the side street. The sounds of police sirens, breaking glass, screaming and civil unrest are louder here, but not so close as to be an imminent danger. He slowly slides the car out onto the main road and rolls towards a junction that joins a dual carriageway. He grips the steering wheel at the intersection and looks both ways. To his right, he makes eye contact with another driver, stuck in a boxy Volkswagen. His black, striped Golf is stranded in the mustard yellow criss-crossed no-stopping zone with hazard lights beating.

The trees that line the school are visible. In the opposite direction, the marooned driver, a thick, tall bald man wrapped in a tracksuit, gaudy chains and rings glares at him. His son, a slim boy no more than 14, looks deathly ill in the passenger seat. The driver emerges from his dead Volkswagen Golf and waves frantically at Sam.

He’s one of those people so piled with muscle that they look fat. Faded names and tribal tattoos wrap his arms and neck. Sam spots the man’s machete; a gigantic gun-metal cleaver that reaches the length of his forearm and halfway to the shoulder.

“Fuck that,” Sam says and fires the accelerator, pulling away towards the school. The scent of burnt rubber leaks through the car’s air con and any guilt he may have felt fades along with the man in the rear-view mirror.

The school emerges from the tree line as Sam’s Mondeo rolls up the front drive; slowly crawling over the speed bumps to the drop-off area. Ravens flit between the darkened branches above, silhouetted against the dark grey sky. The school starts with a respectable gothic chapel with an attached Victorian schoolhouse; all gigantic windows, weather vanes, slates, mossy stones and tall ceilings. Squat, ugly brutalist buildings from the 70’s spread behind like rows of rotting teeth, with an ultra-modern curvy IT and library building bolted on the side to void any semblance of architectural continuity. This was Sam’s old school; for a moment, he is reminded of adolescent anxieties, bullies and teachers that hated kids. It is a lightless place; the windows are black, reflecting the miserable skies and muddy playing fields.

He ascends the stone steps of the Victorian front, following signs for visitors through the giant, heavy wooden doors to the reception. The glass alcove to the main office is closed and the inner door is firmly locked. Peering into the office, Sam shines his torch across black computer screens and plastic in and out trays. A coffee mug lies on its side, its contents still wet, going by the shine. They must’ve left in a hurry, he thinks.

Sam thinks back to the last parents’ evening and his own childhood. The Chapel door was usually unlocked as an alternative entrance – it should certainly be unlocked during the day, think about fire safety. He clicks off his torch and heads back outside. The clouds have started to spit. His gut tells him a large downpour is coming.

He walks along the ancient side of the building, checking his phone to see if anyone had tried to call. No service, naturally. He pockets his phone and ascends the brickwork to the ground floor classroom that was once his form room. Gripping the windowsill, he clicks his torch and pushes his face against the glass. A child’s pale, blood and sick-encrusted face snaps in his direction, pupils squinting madly in the torchlight.  It bounds from the desk at him, slamming into the pane but not breaking it. Sam falls backwards in fright, landing awkwardly and spraining his ankle, his grazed palm erupting into a fiery rash as the rain starts to fall in large splats.

The dead child regains its momentum quickly and throws itself against the window. The classroom’s other windows illuminate with the flash of lightning; with the thunder crash, thirty dead kids howl and pound on the glass like mad apes. The glass shimmers and wobbles with the insane rhythm. Black veins crack across the white paint on the old window frames. The glass is single-glazed and starts to splinter. The panes shard and spiderweb at different points of weakness.

Fuck this, Sam thinks, scrambling to his feet. Guilt spreads across his soul like ink in water. Sorry, kids, I can’t do-

He shudders with the impact. Something serious has afflicted his side, but he’s not able to process what it could be. His legs can’t support him and he feels them start to give, then catastrophically crumble. He tries to grip the torch, but he can’t, can he? Maybe I am? He wonders. His mouth moves voicelessly as he collapses to the unforgiving asphalt. He can feel the little grains and stones cutting into his soft face, but no pain. He feels faint, cold. A warm liquid spreads beneath his right side.

“Wha-?” he manages, his eyes swivel but are unable to focus. A white blur moves at the edge of vision. White trainers back away carefully on black, wet ground. Glinting out of focus is the black gun-metal of a machete, dripping and syrupy. He looks to his right. His arm seems to look back, sheepish, comically severed. Sam starts to laugh. How can an arm look sheepish? That machete isn’t black, he realises, it’s red.

Machete man rifles through Sam’s pockets and removes his car keys. Sam gasps as the school’s windows shatter and spread like diamonds on velvet. Machete runs and then fades into the rain. Sam grasps reflexively. The dead children emerge from the broken window like thick worms of pus from a gaping wound. Too much blood lost, I’m dead, I’m dead— Sam squints in the rain; he can’t tell if any of the kids are his. Small mercies, he thinks. He almost passes out before they eat him.

 

Conclusion

Sam’s plans, originally revealed in a Facebook joke to “use his kids as bait”, were inverted by the crisis. His biological drives to protect his offspring forced him to a public area that was already rife with infection, where young members of hundreds of different families congregated. In hindsight, schools were an obvious place to avoid, but a father does what he must.

 

 

Season 3: Week 34: Free League of Legends Champions Rotation

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With over 12 million players World-Wide a day, Riot Games smash hit ‘League of Legends’ has gone from strength to strength. At this very moment in time the World Championships are taking place in North America for a grand prize of $2 million for the winning team. The favourites being Taiwanese side Gamania Bears (but don’t tell Fnatics fan base).

Bearing that in mind, I believe a weekly report on the free Champions rotation would be a good idea. Without further ado I give you the free Champions this week:

 

Blitzcrank: The Great Steam Golem
Blitzcrank: The Great Steam Golem

Best Deployed As: Bottom Lane Support

Pros: Massive Stun, Good Combo and an Area of Effect Silence

Cons: Very reliant on his Rocket Grab, Bad against Range

This weeks free champion list starts off with the Support/Tank that is Blitzcrank, whilst quite a difficult champion to play for beginners (me for instance). Blitzcrank has the ability to be a devastating champion, with a great 1-2-3 combo of Rocket Grab, Power Fist, and Static Field that has the ability to devastate an individual opponent.

Shard of the Monolith
Malphite: Shard of the Monolith

Best Deployed As: Top Laner (or Jungler)

Pros: Very good tank, great Ultimate (Arguably the best engager in team)

Cons: Naturally Slow and Bad Farming

Malphite is an Ability Power(AP)/Tank in the free rotation. Malphite in my opinion is the easier of the two tanks to play this week, despite having a slightly lower max health and attack than Blitzcrank. With Seismic Shard, this champion can steal up to 26% of the opponents movement speed from the target for 4 seconds, more than enough time to close down the gap and get in close for Malphite’s Brutal Strikes and Ground Slam. He is most effective when played in the top-lane and is usually the ‘engager’ of the team.

 

Master Yi: The Wuju Bladesman
Master Yi: The Wuju Bladesman

Best Deployed As: Jungler or Top Laner

Pros: Easy to Farm, Fast, Good for Escaping and Engaging

Cons: Susceptible to crowd control

Master Yi, the first Attack Damage Carry of this weeks champion rotation, Yi is a big favourite with a lot of LoL players due in part to his abilities, firstly his Alpha Strike makes farming minions for gold/xp easier, Master Yi is very strong early on through his meditate ability, it allows you to stay in the lane longer than other champions, meaning you will be able to gain levels faster than your opponent. He is most effective as a ‘Jungler’ however he is equally effective as a Top Laner.

 

Ryze: The Rogue Mage
Ryze: The Rogue Mage

Best Deployed As:  A Mid Laner

Pros: Naturally Builds as a Tank

Cons: Difficult to play for Beginners, Very reliant on range

Ryze is another popular pick amongst LoL players, he’s a good champion to have on your team if protected well. His Ultimate, when used on minions to farm, can lead to a large gold advantage. This can then be put into buying Rod of Ages, Frozen Heart and the Void Staff which will give you the edge against other champions. It is always worth noting that the more mana Ryze has, the more damage he will deal. This Champion should only really be used in the Mid-Lane.

 

Taric: The Gem Knight
Taric: The Gem Knight

Best Deployed As: Bottom Lane Support

Pros: Grants Armor, Heals and has a Stun

Cons: Against Ranged he is weak

Taric is a great support/tank, with his Imbue ability, which heals a target ally and himself. If however he targets himself, his heal increases by 40%, this means Taric is very effective at tanking turrets. Where support is concerned, aside from Taric’s Imbue ability, his Dazzle has the ability to stun a target enemy for at least 1.2 seconds allowing your team to ‘gank’ the unfortunate opposition champion. His ‘W’ also grants Armor to the entire team and as a Bottom Lane specialist against all Attack Damage Opposition is very useful.

 

Pantheon: the Artisan of War
Pantheon: the Artisan of War

Best Deployed As: Top Laner or Jungler

Pros: Movement Damage, Speed

Cons: Unreliable Ultimate

Now, Pantheon is a champion that seems to be rarely used, however can be extremely useful. He’s listed as an Assassin/Melee, however Pantheon has the ability to hurl a spear at an enemy champion every four seconds, which, if his Heartseeker Strike has been leveled up once, means his Spear Shot will automatically ‘crit’ against targets with 15% health or below, dealing 50% more damage. Pantheon also has the advantage of Aegis Protection that gives the player a shield after every four attacks that will block the next hit against him. This means he is a great champion to dive in under a turret to attack any low health champion who foolishly believes he will be safe there.

 

Akali: the Fist of Shadow
Akali: the Fist of Shadow

Best Deployed As: Solo Laner

Pros: Very Mobile, Good Attack Damage

Cons: Build Reliant, Low Health

Akali is a ‘squishy’ assassin;  a champion who for me is quite difficult to play. It takes a lot of practice to be able to play Akali properly. However if you use her Twilight Shroud correctly which allows her to stealth within a 300-radius area for 8 seconds then she can be very good at surprise attacks. She’s a very mobile Champion who is best deployed as a top or mid laner.

 

Miss Fortune: the Bounty Hunter
Miss Fortune: the Bounty Hunter

Best Deployed As: Bottom Lane Carry

Pros: Very Mobile, Good AoE Ultimate

Cons: Limited once Ultimate is used

Miss Fortune is a good ranged/carry champion, her passive ability being ‘Strut’ which gains Miss Fortune an additional 25 Movement Speed, a bonus that increases by 9 each second up to a maximum of 70. This allows Miss Fortune to chase down any fleeing champions, her speed bonus is especially useful if her ‘Make it Rain’ ability hits. Miss Fortune is one of the only AD Champions to have an Area of Effect Ultimate. Another Champion who is best used on the bottom lane.

 

Caitlyn: the Sheriff of Piltover
Caitlyn: the Sheriff of Piltover

Best Postion As: Bottom Lane Carry

Pros: Best Laning Phase of Any Champion

Cons: No ‘Steroid’ so late game very reliant on build

Caitlyn, another ranged carry like Miss Fortune has a passive attack that makes farming easier, every few basic attacks, she will fire a headshot dealing 150% damage to a champion, or 250% damage to a minion. This will not only push Caitlyn’s gold farming up but also her experience. This champion is great for feeding other team members with her abilities, ‘Yordle Snap Trap’ and ’90 Calibre Net’.

Zed: the Master of Shadows
Zed: the Master of Shadows

Best Position As: Top Laner or Mid Laner

Pros: Very Mobile, Very High Damage

Cons: Very Hard to Use for Beginners, Reliant on his Build

Zed, one of the best and probably the hardest Champion to play as for free right now. Devastating to use if you know what your doing. Zed’s living shadow is very useful if double-tapped as it will teleport Zed to his shadow immediately allowing for rapid escapes from tricky situations. Zed’s passive ability ‘Contempt for the Weak’ means that whenever Zed auto-attacks an enemy below 50% health, he deals an additional 6-10% of their maximum health as bonus magic damage. However this effect cannot occur on the same target more than once every 10 seconds.

 

In my opinion this is one of the stronger weeks when it comes to free Champions, with Master Yi and Pantheon leading the way.

5 Single Name Shows DC Should Probably Be Considering

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News broke this week that DC executives are allegedly planning a new series called “Gordon”, based on a younger James Gordon as a Cop in Gotham City. It seems that this is DC’s solution to combat the behemoth of the Mouse n’ Marvel movie partnership; to create original programming because fuck telling short, 90 minute stories apparently. With the relative success of Arrow, it would seem they are on a bit of a roll, so here a 5 more suggestions of awesome shows that have merely a name as a title, with a synopsis of the first season and a principal cast list.

Cold

Ice to see you! I'll let myself out.
Ice to see you! I’ll let myself out.

Synopsis of Season 1:

Fed up with the way he is constantly trounced by The Flash, Captain Cold moves to Gotham city to stay with his sister, Gemima, and reassess his life choices. After a falling out with Gemima, He hits the bars, ending up at a dead end establishment full of a B-list rogues’ gallery. That’s when he meets Victor. They get talk, they drink, they laugh. Then at about 3 in the morning talk turns to dead wives and superheroes. They share a moment. Our protagonist goes back to his sister’s place to the inevitable “where have you been” shouting match. Leonard then blurts out that he’s met someone.

As the series progresses Captain Cold tries to get Victor to forget Nora and just chill (sorry) with him. But will Leonard’s love be enough to melt Freeze’s heart of ice? Only time will tell.

 

Cast:

Premiere of Cheaper By the Dozen
Tom Welling

Capt. Cold: Tom Welling

Victor Fries: Benedict Cumberbatch

Gemima Snart: Betsy Brandt

Major of Gotham: Adam West

 

Alfred

A Butler's work is never done. Especially a... CRIME BUTLER
A Butler’s work is never done. Especially a… CRIME BUTLER

Synopsis of season 1:

Alfred Pennyworth has been serving at Wayne Manor for most of his life. The somewhat dour master Bruce has just come home after 10 years and he is acting strange. It’s a detective mystery thriller with Alfred trying his hardest to figure out where Bruce goes at night, to come back covered in bruises. He is worried sick about his master, and it’s affecting the running of the house. Maybe Alfred is just getting too old to look after the place by himself…

Alfred also has other worries; with the new masked vigilante terrorizing Gotham City, how will he run his illegal antique auctions without obstacles?

 

 

 

Cast:

MV5BMTc2NjEwOTQ4Nl5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwODk3NDc3._V1_SX214_CR0,0,214,317_
Eli Wallach

Alfred Pennyworth: Eli Wallach

Bruce Wayne: Matt Bomer

LT James Gordon: Ewan Macgregor

Oswald Cobblepot: William Shatner

 

Amazon

She's a manic, maniac on tha floooooor
She’s a manic, maniac on tha floooooor

 

Synopsis of season 1:

Xena warrior princess. But Wonderwoman. That’s about it. Set on Paradise Island, we see the drama unfold as Dianne rises to power. Slightly less bloody than Spartacus and sex where sex is due.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cast:

 Olivia Wilde. Dayum  #dontargue
Dayum #dontargue

Dianne:  Olivia Wilde

Hippolyta: Sigourney Weaver

Hercules: Hugh Jackman

 

Mxyzptlk

Pronounce that. I fucking dare you.
Pronounce that. I fucking dare you.

 

 

Plot synopsis season 1:

Mxyzptlk is your average working Joe transdimensional being. One day he spots something flashing through the space time continuum: it’s Red and Blue and looks like an entire barrel of laughs. Much to the annoyance of this Duck’s arse haircut Mxyzy decides that the next 100 years of his infinite cycle will be attempting to meet and challenge this super guy. He leaves the safety of the nether and takes the ultimate “road” trip. Supes or bust!

Expect cameos from Jimmy Olsen, Braniac and of course Batmite.

 

 

 

 

Cast:

Mickey Rooney. He's mental.
Mickey Rooney. He’s mental.

Mxyzptlk: Mickey Rooney

Superman: Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Jimmy Olsen: Seth Green

Braniac: Jim Parsons

Batmite: Kevin Smith

 

Teens

Hi Hi Puffy Ami Yumi. Look it up.
Hi Hi Puffy Ami Yumi. Look it up.

 

 

Synopsis of season 1:

Robin loves Supergirl. Supergirl loves Kid Devil. Kid Devil loves Beast Boy. Beast Boy loves Robin. They get drunk. Stuff happens. They have to fight crime knowing what happened. Will you find out what happened? Watch it and find out.

 

 

 

 

Cast:

Logan Lerman
Logan Lerman

Robin: Logan Lermen

Supergirl: Hayden Panetierre

Kid Devil: Rupert Grint

Beast Boy: Asa Butterfield

 

So there you have it. And you may all laugh, but when these shows get made I’m having a pool party with actual sharks and YOU aren’t invited.