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Agent Carter Returns: 2 hour spectacle (spoiler alert)

joshkingofgeeks
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Agent Carter Returns: 2 hour spectacle (spoiler alert)

Before we start, SPOILER ALERT!! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!

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Last night saw the return of the beautiful Hayley Atwell as the Marvel Fan Favourite “Agent Carter” for her season 2, 2 hour spectacle. This obviously  means new adventures, new crimes, and better yet, More Marvel Cinematic Universe Tie ins; such as  “Doctor Strange.”

Agent Carter keeps going from strength to strength and this feature length episode proved that;  continuing  to draw people into the world of the SSR (Strategic Scientific Reserve) and continuing with the development of not only just Peggy but of the world around her and the people who live in it.

One such character, played by the brilliant James D’Arcy, is a fan favourite and that is Edwin Jarvis, Howard Stark’s loyal butler, but more importantly Peggy’s brother in arms when it comes to the espionage world. Jarvis has bloomed into a main player in the series instead of a supporting role.

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“Marvel’s Agent Carter” spent its first season dealing with loss, sexism and the sly introduction to S.H.I.E.L.D against the backdrop of 1940s New York (with of course some MCU flair that also introduced villains from a shadowy organization called Leviathan, a vial of Captain America’s Super-Soldier blood and what can only be the black widow program).  In season two, things have changed slightly and the ABC drama is relocating to Los Angeles, where the glitz, glamour and crime of Hollywood are front and center.

Now consisting of 10 episodes instead of 8 like in season 1, Peggy, is reassigned to help deal with the threats of the new atomic age by mysterious individuals in the aftermath of World War II, she is gaining new friends, a new home, and a potential new love interest.

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Episode 1 starts off in 1947 New York, Chief Jack Thompson (Chad Michael Murray) and Agent Peggy Carter, of the SSR, capture Soviet spy Dottie Underwood (Bridget Regan). Newly appointed Chief Daniel Sousa (Enver Gjokaj) of the Los Angeles SSR office meets with Detective Andrew Henry, who has discovered a woman’s body in a frozen lake. This doesn’t seem too abnormal until we realize it’s the hottest day of the year during a heat wave.

Sousa asks Thompson for backup so he sends in the best. On arrival in LA, Peggy is once again partnered with Edwin Jarvis, a dynamic duo if there ever was one, where he picks up his role of confidante, driver and all round back up for Peggy. He informs Agent Carter that Howard Stark is away scouting locations for his new “cinematic feature” while he buys exotic animals for his home. Jarvis then introduces Peggy to his wife Ana Jarvis (played amazingly by Lotte Verbeek, she’s spunky and resourceful just like carter, holster in a garter awesome and sexy)  back at the city morgue, an autopsy or lack thereof because the women is still frozen solid, shows that the body glows in the dark, likely caused by Isodyne Energy’s particle accelerator.

Carter learns from Isodyne scientist Jason Wilkes (Reggie Austin) that the woman was a physicist there and had been having an affair with Isodyne owner and prospective senator Calvin Chadwick (Currie Graham) who has all the flair of a Bond villain. Meanwhile back in New York Dottie Underwood is taken into FBI custody, with Thompson’s mentor Vernon Masters (Kurtwood Smith) warning him that the SSR will soon be replaced by a new, peace-time organization (could this be the start of S.H.I.E.L.D that was hinted at in season 1).

While the case in LA continues Carter and Sousa discover it is in fact the good Detective who is our resident Iceman and is starting to freeze himself, Henry attempts to kill Wilkes, but is then killed himself in an astonishing display of “hasta la vista, baby”  by a police officer. We discover Henry and the officer were hired to cover up the murder by Chadwick and his actress wife Whitney Frost (Wynn Everett), all this in the first episode, you read that right, the first episode.

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Episode 2 sees Chadwick meeting with the secretive Council (This Council all meet under a symbol that looks like the assassins creed logo but they have a Specter/hydra feel to them, they’re kind of creepy actually), who shut down his Zero Matter program due to its seeming lack of results, not that having people who freeze stuff isn’t a result, I’m sure Charles Xavier would agree. Instead they want him to focus on his senatorial ambitions. Chadwick informs Frost, who is the true brains behind the program, while struggling with her acting due to sexism in Hollywood. Wilkes meets with Carter to help with her investigation, though he is hesitant to turn on Isodyne as it was the only company willing to hire him as a black man.

Season 2 touches on these delicate stereotypes which was the struggle back in the 40s and I find it really refreshing that Marvel has taken the dive.

Wilkes explains that Isodyne had attempted to replicate the success of the Manhattan Project and in doing so had discovered Zero Matter.

Now Zero Matter better known as Darkforce would be a part of this season, which ties to Doctor Strange and the character Marcus Daniels (who appeared in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D), luckily this won’t contradict anything in the Doctor Strange Script which will add a nice flow. The frozen woman must have come into physical contact with it (Zero Matter), though its effects are not limited to that.

Carter and Wilkes agree to steal the Zero Matter, and at Isodyne find agents of the Council destroying the program. Wilkes manages to get to the vault, but is confronted by Frost, who is there to steal it herself. The two are exposed in the ensuing scuffle, leaving Wilkes M.I.A and Frost apparently having absorbed some if not all of the strange substance.

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You have to agree… Exciting stuff all round and as you can see, season 2 is already shaping up to be a nonstop rollercoaster ride into the Marvel TV universe and how it is all connecting and lining up with the Cinematic Universe. With Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D still on its midseason break, Agent Carter fills that spot nicely not just as a light snack but as a full coarse dining experience that will leave you hungry for more.

 

Agent Carter Season 1 is available to buy now

Suicide Squad Trailer Turns Up, Kills It

Ben Fee
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Suicide Squad Trailer Turns Up, Kills It

Ok, this film has been cruising pretty low on my excitement radar since the first brownscale cast photos emerged to a resounding chorus of “Meh…”. Jared Leto’s emo Joker did little alleviate this impression and so we pretty much forgot about what was sure to be another DC movie misfire…

But then this trailer had to show up and ruin all that.

It’s fun, it’s exciting and, unlike its justice loving big brothers, it’s not afraid to show a little colour. Of course the trailer is crazy as balls and there’s plenty for the hardcore to pick over, but my radar’s blipping all over the place.

Roll on August…

A Brand New Year…With the Same Old ME

King Darren
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A Brand New Year…With the Same Old ME

So, a brand new year brings new changes? Well, some things never change. I’ve realised that even when I’m gaming with friends online, I’m still enjoying the life of a loner. And I do mean, really relishing it. I’m not one for sharing my uber comfy sofa, ya know? It kinda spoils the moment.

It’s common knowledge that video games are my pride and joy. I don’t mind confessing this to you, as hopefully it’s a universal love. I enjoy the trash talk with games of Black Ops 3, and had my funny bones tickled by playing the likes of Mario Kart. But usually it’s ME, the massive 4K res. Sony TV, and whatever I’ve got in line to play. I really should fix a sign on my door that says “Gaming, Scram Please!”.

I’m not easy to impress. Like, I didn’t get the fuss about the upcoming Sony VR headset. My friends were raving about it. Only after trying it out at a demo show, and lots of head-movements to harmonise illusion with reality, did I buy the hype. Doubtless, It will be the first high profile gadget purchase for the King!

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I tend to be overly conscious of what the next guy is thinking. For instance, I can joyfully spend hours attempting a difficult combo in SF4 when I’m in my palace. But with somebody overseeing my feat, they’re not seeing the beauty of it, which makes me feel guilty about it. There are rare exceptions, of course. Like, when I was the ONLY gamer out of 300 to complete the Bloodborne demo under 10 mins without dying at Gamestart Asia 2014. The watchful eyes of the Sony staff only motivated me to achieve the impossible. Oh, I won a limited edition autographed Bloodborne tee for my efforts.

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Can you see the words?

Now, as a writer at church, I am accustomed to having people look over my shoulder a lot. But that is different in a spiritual setting because everyone accepts the element of distraction involved. Although I love what I’m doing, I’m there to examine and make notes. A casual video gaming environment is a different kettle of fish altogether.

Even with something like FIFA where there’s other humans in the lobby with you, this is the virtual experience with everyone communicating through the mic. It’s not a physical room full of people with their arms folded, watching your eyebrow twitching, gob drooling and maybe some involuntary armpit scratching…who knows.

I love to be the only thing that I’m aware of who’s enjoying the power-up moment in Super Mario. I thrive under pressure in a competitive environment. But a casual video game outing with friends can strain my ego. Like, should I perform a spectacular yet risky manuever in Namco’s Air Combat or play it safe? I like to play games without fear of being judged as if I soiled my pants.

Have a GAMING New Year everyone!

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Honest Trailers Does Labyrinth to Say Goodbye to David Bowie

Becca Harper
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Honest Trailers Does Labyrinth to Say Goodbye to David Bowie

When this popped up on my news feed I was a little more hesitant to watch it than I would normally be, Labyrinth is one of my all time favourite films simply because it is a cherished childhood memory. I didn’t like the idea of Screen Junkies tearing it apart especially whilst I’m still feeling the loss of Bowie. But then I thought c’mon these guys are pros.

I had nothing to fear, they have honoured the Goblin King whilst being funny and appropriately accurate – I mean yes Sarah is only 16, it’s all a little creepy but for some reason this has never really occurred to me before. Here it is for your enjoyment, Honest Trailers tribute to the British icon and his Major Tom.

Oh and if you keep scrolling you’ll find the Magic Dance video because it’s awesome.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDkp7GysvbY

 

Sorry 8 year olds but Deadpool isn’t for Kids and Here’s Why

Andy Haigh
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Sorry 8 year olds but Deadpool isn’t for Kids and Here’s Why

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So you’ve probably seen somewhere that there’s a petition for the upcoming and rather eagerly awaited adult oriented Deadpool to have a kid friendly edit so young fans can watch it. A campaign that apparently now has an 8 year old poster boy.  The idea being that the character has young fans who will miss out on the upcoming film due to it being aimed at adults due to its brutal gory violence, profanity, nudity and being generally a bit vulgar.

Well here’s a newsflash which may come as a shock to some people in the back but just because a character happens to wear a costume and be in a comic, it doesn’t mean that said character’s target demographic is kids. I mean what with comics apparently being generally more accepted as a cultural artform rather than disposable entertainment for kids this should be pretty obvious, or is that whole cultural shift something I remember from a daydream I had one time?

There’s been a lot of films based on comics in recent years, superhero comics generally, the thing that pretty much all of them have in common is they’re aimed at a young audience. All of Marvel Studios films have all been rated 12 by the BBFC (which is kind of equivalent to the MPAA’s PG-13 ) which makes sense as they’re based on characters from comics that are traditionally associated with young readers and from a purely financial perspective it opens them up to a wider potential audience.

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So when Fox says it’s actually making the long gestating film Deadpool, based on a character who is pretty notorious for vulgarity and brutal violence, fans were basically hoping they would actually do the character justice, rather than just do what tend to happen with films in general i.e. make some neutered version of the source material and alienate fans of said source material. Were they going to make Deadpool aiming for the mass appeal of The Avengers? Turns out the answer is a big fat no which is great, apart from if you happen to be an 8 year old boy, but hey life is cruel and harsh you’ll find that out when you get older.

The fact that Deadpool is both aimed at an older audience and has a massive marketing campaign is kind of a big deal, the only other comic based film aimed at an older audience in recent years was 2012’s Dredd . Dredd had nowhere near the budget of Deadpool, didn’t have the massive marketing campaign and didn’t feature a high profile lead either, which probably factor into why it was financial failure despite getting critical and fan acclaim. Deadpool could potentially lead to other adult oriented films based on comics if it’s a success. Let’s not forget that Marvel has already shown that it has characters aimed more at an adult audience via its critically acclaimed Netflix shows Dare Devil and Jessica Jones which are a stark contrast to the big screen antics of The Avengers.

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Deadpool might not be everyone’s idea of a good time but at least Fox have had the balls to actually make a Deadpool film that’s actually fitting for the character, and rather ironically after several X-Men films they’ve actually seemingly got Colossus right too.

Despite its rapidly approaching release date Deadpool has yet to receive a rating from the BBFC whether this will be the more likely 15 or 18 remains to be seen.

Here’s the deal for anyone struggling with this, it’s one thing to have a more family friendly trailer for film that isn’t family friendly, in fact it’s kind of essential for marketing purposes, but it’s an entirely different deal to have a family friendly edit of a film that’s aimed at an older audience. Try applying that approach to other films aimed at an older audience like say Sin City or the above mentioned Dredd. Take out everything that makes them receive that higher rating from the BBFC or MPAA and then see what you have left, not much, and what you do have left doesn’t really resemble what it’s supposed to be anymore. Which is kind of a big deal too after all films are the result of a director, a writer (or writers) and a cast working to tell a story, so if you start cutting a film that story can become less narratively coherent, this has been seen with films in the past most notably with the recent Snowpiercer which was the subject of a messy squabble between a visionary director and a heavy handed studio executive that almost lead to the film not being released at all.

Anybody who’s actually seen what is referred to as the “Red Band trailer” for Deadpool will notice it features plenty of violence and some pretty vulgar humour too, because in order for a Deadpool film to actually be a Deadpool film it has to have those things. Take away the brutal violence, profanity, vulgar humour and nudity and you don’t have Deadpool anymore, you have this other thing that probably has a pretty short running time.

Will Deadpool be a smash hit or box office bomb, only time will tell but the result will definitely have an impact on possible future films either way.

Iron Maiden announce Legacy of the Beast.

Andy Haigh
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Iron Maiden announce Legacy of the Beast.

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British heavy metal veterans Iron Maiden are venturing into the land of mobile gaming with the announcement of “Legacy of the Beast”.

The game is set to appear in summer 2016 and will be ”An epic free-to-play mobile role playing game, set in the expansive Iron Maiden universe.” Why is an aging heavy metal band being involved with games you ask? Well as anyone with an interest in art or a fan of the band will be aware the band has had a vivid visual identity courtesy of artist Derek Riggs. Riggs created iconic mascot Eddie who has featured on almost all the bands albums and merchandise since the early 80’s.

Iron Maiden recently made an impressive viral video for Speed of Light which recreated many of their album covers filtered through gaming history.

To keep up to date with developments visit Iron Maiden Legacy.

Netflix Investigates Second Season For Marvel’s Jessica Jones

Ben Fee
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Netflix Investigates Second Season For Marvel’s Jessica Jones

In breaking news to be filed under “Well, obviously…”, popular video-on-demand enthusiasts Netflix today announced that they’ve renewed Marvel’s Jessica Jones for a second 13-episode season.

 
Gracing most people’s Top TV of 2015 lists and earning leading lady Krysten Ritter a Critic’s Choice Award nomination (which we’re sure will be just the first in a whole slew of accolades), Marvel’s tale of a damaged private investigator with super powers haunted by her past has proved that their success earlier last year with Daredevil was no flash in the digital-streaming pan.

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Speaking at the Television Critics Association press tour, Netflix chief content officer Ted Sarandos said that, in terms of when we’re likely to see it, it all depends on on big, fairly exciting factor,

“The Defenders production will really determine” season start dates for other Marvel series like Jessica Jones as well as Daredevil, which launches its second season on March 18.”.

Jessica Jone’s second outing into the gritty underbelly of Marvel’s connected universe will be in good company with shows like Luke Cage, Iron Fist, a second season of Daredevil and even a rumoured Punisher show all in the pipeline. Until then, Make Mine Netflix!

Shadowhunters: TV – a review

Cristina Bogdan
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Shadowhunters: TV – a review

For the fans of Cassandra Clare’s book series The Mortal Instruments, last week couldn’t roll around sooner. The much anticipated release of the TV series based on the first novel: City of Bones finally had its premier. After the box-office flop that the movie turned out to be, any sequels were quickly shelved, but a TV show was commissioned, to the great surprise of some and to the shock of most.

The TV show does alter quite a few elements from the book, completely ignoring the movie (I imagine that is due to it being so bad it won’t ever be good) and struggles to breathe in new life into it. To varying degrees of success. Since the series is a separate entity from the book – or at least we were encouraged to look at it as such – I won’t pick apart the TV show/book differences. For the most part.

If you are unfamiliar with the books, this is a brief synopsis: A race called the Nephilim, carrying the blood of angel Raziel is struggling to protect the world from demons, vampires, werewolves and all kinds of other Downworlders, while keeping the Mundanes in the dark. That’s us, by the way. Their mission is made more difficult by dissidents within their own group with plots of their own.

If the plot feels familiar, it’s probably because it’s not the most original story you will find out there, but as books it’s a nice way of passing time.

And now back to the TV series. **SPOILERS BELOW**

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Taking it as a separate entity, as I mentioned before, is expected from new fans and old ones alike. Why, I wonder, since even though the first episode consists of mostly exposition, it still gives little information that is actually useful for someone who has had no contact with this particular world before? Much like the main character – 18 year old Clary Fray – who finds herself thrown into the unknown, we’re being fed a ton of information that holds zero significance without a dictionary available and/or the book that the episodes are based on handy.

Clary Fray (Katherine McNamarra) is a girl that on her birthday finds out she’s not exactly human. Instead she has Shadowhunter blood, making her one of the half-angels/half-humans that are supposed to protect the world from evil. This would sound like a wonderful start to an adventure, if perhaps the execution and the acting were a little better. I can’t remember ever seeing Katherine McNamarra in anything before, maybe she is a wonderful actress when given a better scrip, but this time around she seemed to barely carry her own weight. I was convinced some big chunks of footage were missing from the episodes, since she was a wreck one moment and a badass Shadowhunter the next, only to revert to a nervous wreck. The cycle continued until it was nearly unbearable. I will however try to abide by my own rule: Never judge a show by its pilot. Considering how little time they had for anything other than the endless stream of exposition, her lack of a proper delivery might be excused.

She is joined in her adventures by a group of Shadowhunters who have grown up into the world she only enters and she is accepted immediately by the aloof, bad-boy hero Jace Wayland (Dominic Sherwood). I really wish I had that sarcasm font ready. While the character is canonically aloof and sarcastic, his almost immediate transformation into her protector and, dare I say it, love interest is a little harder to swallow. Especially since the characters have been aged up a little and that head-over-heels was better suited to a 16 year old. (And it wasn’t quite like that in the book, just saying.)

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The voice of reason, Alec Lightwood (Matthew Daddario) was my favourite character in the book, not so much in the movie, but definitely he was redeemed in the series. Daddario was pitch perfect as the eldest Lightwood sibling, with enough snark to make up for some of the show’s lacks. Quite possibly the only bright spot in the first two aired episodes, with the exception of Isabelle Lightwood played by Emeraude Touba and Simon Lewis played by Alberto Rosende.

Luke (Isaiah Mustafa), a very important character in the books has undergone two transformation, unlike in the movie he is now black and…a cop?! I am unsure as to why the change was made, past the justification that he could move freely around the city and check out on what the Downworlders do to Mundanes as a cop, more so than as  book store owner, but it’s still a little jarring. It’s not like he went from selling computers to fixing them. Still, it might work in the long run, but, unlike a more or less solitary job as a book owner he now comes with an entire police station, filled with partners, co-workers and many more that can figure out his secret. Especially if he flashes his eyes around carelessly as he did in episode 1. So far he is less than impressive, his side-story being relatively poorly handled. I am sure if someone notices the house of their love interest destroyed and their daughter missing they might be given something to do. Maybe he’s doing it off screen, since the focus, which was relatively split in the first episode fell almost entirely on Clary in episode 2, leaving us wondering what the hell is going on with everybody else. The books were written from the narrator’s point of view, in this case Clary, but this is a TV show, hopefully they’ll remember that.

I would say something about Clary’s parents, Valentine, the established villain and Jocelyn, the strong woman that protected her child and the world for 18 years, but they were so poorly handled (that seems like it will be a running theme with this show) that they left no lasting impression. They were there, they showed up, they faded from my mind as quickly as their scenes ended. Harry Shum, who plays the beloved Magnus Bane was given little to do, but one can only hope. The second recurring theme with this show – hope that it will be better.

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Setting aside the actors and the lack of chemistry between the show’s main couple, let’s see why Shadowhunters failed to deliver what so many fans expected. For one, it looked like it was made sometimes in the ’90s. Early ’90s. The CGI was so bad I thought I was watching an episode of Charmed, way back in the early days. Actually…I think those might have been better. Combine it with the acting of someone who seems to be unsure of how the CGI will eventually look and you get someone going through a portal like they are being taken up to the mothership. The demons were equally unimpressive, resembling bad Halloween costumes more than beings from a Hell dimension.

It’s also riddled with cliches, from corny lines delivered with more seriousness than they deserved, to scenes that are jarring in their level of narm. Hero discovers she is special? An artifact that can make or break the world? Check and check. A hidden base for the villain set in Chernobyl? Check. An ”I am your father” moment? Check.

Albeit, it’s delivered in a different manner, but the sentiment remains. Love at first sight? Check. Oddly enough the romance between the two main characters, something that features heavily in the book, is developed at a steadier pace in writing. I know they only have 12 episodes to prove they can redeem themselves for a really, really bad movie, but they might be going at it the wrong way.

 The list could go on and on and on, but I won’t bore you with it.

For now it feels like the show is trying to make up for its faults by throwing in random information, switching up characters motivations and pointing out to people’s chiselled chests (a lot) as a distraction (I’m looking at you Hodge Starkweather), but I am not sure how long that trick will work. I enjoy pretty faces as much as the next person, I am a shallow creature, after all, but not even I can set aside my personal qualms with the show’s lack of soul. The cast seems to have  a lot of chemistry off screen, so maybe it’s just the first two episodes that are a little clunky? Maybe? Fingers crossed?!

I am not sure the trailer will convince you to watch the show, but take a look and if you have seen the show and enjoyed it, feel free to politely prove me wrong.

The Hateful Eight: An Issue of Indulgence

Callum Tyndall
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The Hateful Eight: An Issue of Indulgence

SPOILERS TO FOLLOW

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I feel like Tarantino enjoyed The Hateful Eight more than I did. Now that’s not to say that this isn’t a good film, or a worthy addition to the filmography of one of modern cinema’s more challenging directors, because it is both those things. What I aim instead to say is there are several things I find problematic with the movie, things that can be broken down into several definable moments but, broadly, tend to fall under one large heading. That heading is self-indulgence. It’s not a completely new issue for Tarantino and it’s one that seems to have been developing perhaps more prominently in his last few outings.

There a few core elements to Tarantino’s style: language, violence and a quirky approach to structure. They’ve always been present, to one degree or another, and I’ve always found them, for the most part, satisfying. In the past, those elements have come across as taut, stylish. They’ve been utilised in a way that always felt like it served the film, rather than the other way around. When the Bride takes on the Crazy 88 in Kill Bill, the fight is brutal. The levels of blood and limb loss are horrific to the point of absurdity. And yet, when I watch the scene, it doesn’t bother me. The fight looks great and it feels like it’s going somewhere. Similarly, the bar scene in Inglorious Basterds features an absolute cluster of over the top violence in the form of its outrageous shoot out. Again though, I felt like that scene was a highlight of the film, that the whole thing was incredibly well delivered and orchestrated. The Hateful Eight did not satisfy me in the same way.

Let’s take a look at things one element at the time. Firstly, the violence: there is a moment in the film in which two of the characters are poisoned and proceed to vomit gallons of blood all over the place. As a matter of fact, Jennifer Jason Leigh finds herself covered in copious amounts of blood and viscera throughout the film. And at no point to me did it feel particularly necessary. In a similar vein, and addressing element number two, Tarantino is somewhat notorious for his use of a certain racial slur. And while it has been somewhat justified in Django Unchained and The Hateful Eight by the historical context, in both films I couldn’t help but feel there was more to it than that. Specifically, I felt like Tarantino was not trying to be accurate to a context but rather using that context to justify the usage that he already wanted. And finally, we have structural quirks. The film is three hours long. It seems to end about three times. This is by far the most forgivable part for me. The film stretches itself a tad sure, but it doesn’t reach the point of boring. More structurally concerning is the fact that it appears Tarantino, intentionally or not, is now transcending to a whole new level of Tarantinoness. Not only does he actually take on the role of narrator himself but it’s been pointed out to me that he actually steals shots from some of his own movies.

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Here’s where the concern really lies in all of this. I think Tarantino can pretty much get away with whatever he wants. He already plays the role of auteur pretty hard, writing and directing and pretty much casting too. He’s undeniably a creative force, willing to drive hard for his vision. Usually, that’s not a thing that I would take issue with. I think it’s amazing that certain film-makers manage to reach a point where they really can work in their own sandbox without having to be painfully restricted by any kind of non-creative, executive force. But as much as we’ve seen those kind of studio restrictions ruining films, I’d put it out there that the same can be said of the opposite end of the spectrum. I genuinely feel that The Hateful Eight is quite probably the most self-indulgent film that Tarantino has made yet. And, for me, that made it less of a film.

Take, for example, the rape scene. There is a moment in the film where, in order to force a confrontation with Bruce Dern’s character, Samuel L. Jackson talks of how he managed to kill Dern’s son. Except he didn’t just kill him. He first forced him to walk, naked, through miles of snow and then, when he begged for a blanket, told him he would get one if he just sucked Jackson’s “big black Johnson”. Of course, Jackson doesn’t give the man a blanket and ends up killing him. Now, there are reasons that Jackson would rightfully want to kill Dern and he knows that if he isn’t provoked, by Dern going for a gun, then he will be a murderer and subject to hanging. And sure, rape is certainly more degrading than straight up murder, particularly given the racial element (Dern’s character is that of a Confederate general while Jackson fought on the side of the Union), was it really necessary, at any point, to spend a solid five minutes, maybe more, lavishing detail on how Jackson raped Dern’s son? The answer, to my mind, is no.

Seriously, if we’ve learnt anything from years of revenge-action stories, it’s that the death of a loved one is more than enough to justify revenge. I just cannot imagine a room where people were read the scene, which features not only Jackson’s own belaboured description but then actually gets a bit of Tarantino narration too, and they went “you know what Quentin? That sounds great. That’s exactly what the story needs and the audience will want.” Now, I’m sure there are people who would disagree with me and believe that the scene was entirely necessary to the narrative. For me though, it just serves as proof of the issue I feel has been becoming more apparent over the last few Tarantino films and that has possibly reached its apotheosis here, that sometimes, an unrestrained creator is not actually the best thing for the art.

The Hateful Eight is not a bad film. Matter of fact, it’s quite a good one. But I worry that Tarantino has become rather too used to having his cake and eating it. Films don’t have to be short but they should be taut, utilising every element in a manner that tightly contributes to the overall piece of art. I don’t feel that this, Tarantino’s eighth outing, did so. I left the cinema feeling oddly dissatisfied and I’m concerned that, as a fan of the man’s work, he may have gone too far, been let off the reins too much and that, if he continues with the trend set by The Hateful Eight, we may be headed into a downward spiral of ever increasingly self-indulgent films. Cake is great. But sometimes a bit of salad doesn’t hurt.

 

The Genius of the Star Wars Prequels

Laura Maier
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The Genius of the Star Wars Prequels

With The Force Awakens recently released (you might have heard?) naturally we at Chez Maier had to have an extended recap of the previous films. Yes, ALL of them.

Now, I have never been ashamed of the fact that I really like The Phantom Menace, because Padmé and Sabé are fierce. But if I’m honest, my memory of Attack of the Clones was a little hazy, and all I remembered was that awesome moment when Padmé is the first one to escape her chains in the arena, and swing-kicks a giant space-liger.

It all happened so fast.
It all happened so fast.

As I was watching it for the first time since its cinema release in 2002, the long-forgotten romance subplot came back to me in all the harrowing detail I missed when I was a twelve-year-old. And then I made that face that I make when I see something awful, where the left side of my mouth starts to slide down my face. And then I did that thing I do where I come up with elaborate headcanon to explain why things that suck don’t actually suck, but are rather secretly brilliant.

And so I present to you, my humble explanation for the romance subplot that was about as sizzling and full of life as the wet patch on the mattress: Anakin was Jedi Mind Tricking Padmé the whole time.

The Phantom Menace, or One-Sided Love at First Sight

OK, say what you want about The Phantom Menace, but Padmé was awesome. She was handy with a blaster, politically and tactically savvy and knew the value of a fierce girl posse. She also showed that she wasn’t above doing menial chores when posing as a handmaiden (seriously, I didn’t see Eirté, Rabé or Saché scrubbing R2-D2 down, did you?) and handled the harsh climate of Tattooine without bitching once.

Then she meets Anakin, and seems quite fond of him, what with tucking him into bed and such. Because of their age difference, it would seem that she sees him as a sort of surrogate brother figure, but Padmé is a lot more mature than her age. She rules a planet, and has to think about the welfare of billions of people, so from her perspective, she is trying to step in to replace Anakin’s mother Shmi, who was left in slavery back on Tatooine. Tucking him in, accepting his little carved bit of wood on a string with the same smile you see on parents who’ve been handed a crayon drawing of the family, points more to her feeling like a surrogate mother than anything else.

"It's beautiful. Now go the fuck to sleep."
“It’s lovely. Now go the fuck to sleep.”

Attack of the Clones, or The Friendzone and How to Escape It

Anakin and Padmé meet again, after an approximate decade of Jedi school and political ladder-climbing respectively. Padmé is a senator (as she may have mentioned once or twice) and Anakin is a horny teenage boy. What sells this theory for me is that when they meet, Padmé clearly still think of him as a kid. Now, we must remember that floppy-haired boy-band-looking boys were to women in 2002 what man-buns and beards are to women in 2015, and by those standards Hayden Christensen was something of a heartthrob back in those days. But does she gaze upon him with the lusty eyes of a career woman who’s out to Get Some? Does she eyebang the man-candy with a gleam in her eyes that says “HOT DAMN”? She does not. She beams at him with the line every child hears at every family event until they hit thirty.

Rejected lines for this scene included “How are your studies coming along?” and “You look thin, are they feeding you enough?”
Rejected lines for this scene included “How are your studies coming along?” and “You look thin, are they feeding you enough?”

And then it gets weird. Padmé goes from nipping his sultry ideas in the bud…

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In case you’re not that literate in the cryptic art of womanspeak, this means “Fuck off.”

…to being Force-fed fruit (cuter than it sounds)…

The path to the Dark Side begins with using the Force for this twee shit right here.

…picnicking and frolicking -LITERALLY frolicking!- in some Naboo field…

If only this were as filthy as it looks.
If only this were as filthy as it looks.

…saying THIS bullshit…

It's one word off being a Savage Garden quote.
It’s one word off being a Savage Garden quote.

…and sneaking kisses in the middle of their gladiatorial execution.

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She just jumped from a twenty-foot pillar and landed crotch first on the back of Anakin’s dino-rhino. How is she not howling in pain from a smashed clitoris?

What possessed Galactic Senator Padmé Amidala to emotionally regress to the emotional level of a sheltered teenager in less than a week?

Jedi.

Mind.

Trick.

I’m pretty sure Anakin didn’t mean to mind trick her. I mean, a one-off attempt likely wouldn’t work on her, since as we all know, JMTs only work on the weak-minded. That said, Anakin is generally agreed to be at the Evil Space Jesus power level, and with him acting as Padmé’s bodyguard, she’s getting a near-constant level of exposure to his Force-fueled teenage monologue of “LOVEMELOVEMELOVEME”. Like radiation, only somehow more sickening.

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“Sand’s shit. You’re not like sand. Kiss me.”

It starts off subtle, at first, but the signs of her mental deterioration are there. All women, of any galaxy, especially senators and ESPECIALLY especially senators who look like Natalie Portman, know how to rebuff a suitor. There are any number of ways she could have turned him down, from gently reminding him of his Jedi vows to telling him she thinks of him like a son to just a flat-out refusal. However, for the second act of the movie you’d be forgiven for thinking that “I’m a senator” are the only words in Padmé’s vocabulary.

Padmé -much like the drunk friend who has left her shoes in the bar and is struggling against everyone in the office, three cab drivers and a doorman to get back in there to get them- is fighting against this mental and emotional turbulence by clinging to the most important thing in her life. She’s an experienced and accomplished politician, so the cry of “Nuuuuuu igorra get m’shoooooooooooes” is replaced with “I’m a senator”, but the delivery is more or less the same: repeated with less and less conviction over the course of an hour, followed by a series of decisions which inevitably lead to two kids with a deadbeat asshole of a dad.

Once Anakin has battered down this defence, things start to get sickeningly twee. Why?

Anakin has no idea what adult relationships are like.

For the first nine years of his life, he was raised by a single mother, and I don’t suppose there were many happy couples around to draw romantic inspiration from. For the next ten years, he was raised by a group of celibates, spending most of his time having a one-on-one with Obi-Wan (which, incidentally, is the name of Obi-Wan’s late-night talk show) who, even if he were inclined to go against the Jedi teachings of abstinence, doesn’t strike me as the sort of guy who’s comfortable talking about sex and stuff.

Anakin probably has some awareness of what romance entails, otherwise we’d be in for a (potentially much more entertaining) courting subplot in which he awkwardly shouts “I FEEL AT YOU” while thrusting into her bewildered face a bloodied tauntaun pelt and a card saying “but srs, r u an angel tho”. His idea of romance is one based on poorly-written stories, from the terrible attempts at tender words, to the “ooh I’m hurt, play nurse for me” shenanigans at the picnic. He’s influencing the relationship with no idea of what that means, turning a respectable sci-fi franchise into a baffling montage of perfume ads and the covers of Mills & Boon novels.

After their first kiss and immediate marriage, it appears that Padmé is very much in love with Anakin. Well, I say “appears”; she doesn’t look all that happy at their wedding. I would even go so far as to say that she has the same face on at her wedding as she does at her funeral.

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LOOK AT THESE PICTURES. YOU CANNOT DENY THIS.

Revenge of the Sith, or Stand By Your Man Even When He Straight-Up Murders a Whole Bunch of Younglings

Continuing on from her not-even-faking-any-joy at her wedding, Padmé breaks the news to Anakin that she is pregnant. She says this with the same inflection that one would tell one’s husband “The shark bite got infected” or “The important thing is that Fluffy died quickly.”

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For those not good with faces, this is not what happiness looks like.

Padmé is still a senator, but where in the previous movies she always seemed to be doing something when we saw her (even if it was just demonstrating her ability to pack a weekend’s worth of outfits that Lady Gaga can only dream of into one tiny suitcase) now she’s like a little dolly on the shelf, waiting motionless until someone reminds her she’s a person again. Her whole life depends on Anakin.

Here she is, sitting quietly and waiting for Anakin…

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In all seriousness though, can we take a second to appreciate the Art Deco inspired apartment?

And here she is, standing by the window and waiting for Anakin…

I mean, eat your heart out Jay Gatsby, right?
I mean, eat your heart out Jay Gatsby, right?

Padmé asks the same question to every visitor (few as they are) she receives: “Where’s Anakin?”. Like a ghost, or some mad aunt locked in the attic of a Victorian novel. “Is Anakin alright?”.

There’s a bit more of the nauseatingness that passes for sweet talk in the Amidala-Skywalker house…

"Also I am brushing my hair on the balcony. Help me Anakin, I fear I have gone mad."
“Also I am brushing my hair on the balcony. Help me Anakin, I fear I have gone mad.”

…but it seems like Anakin’s heart isn’t really in it any more, being consumed with the quest to save Padmé from a possible death in childbirth using the Dark Side powers. I personally would sort out a discreet midwife, get her some decent antenatal care, and maybe if I was feeling really generous, I might sort out some sort of medical scan so we could identify any possible complications ahead of time. But Anakin is, as we’ve seen, not a man who counters problems with practical solutions. Anakin shuns the path of least resistance for the path of most drama.

We all know an Anakin, right? Right.

Her personality does show a brief flicker in this movie, which I think is worth mentioning because it’s the last time we really get to see her: in the Senate, when Palpatine enforces martial law.

And yes, I will be posting this picture every time I'm too lazy to formulate a proper political opinion.
And yes, I will be posting this picture every time I’m too lazy to formulate a proper political opinion.

Away from Anakin’s influence, and emboldened by being back in her element (somewhere Anakin has never been seen to accompany her) she regains some shred of herself. So when Obi-Wan visits to give her the “your bae is evil” speech, even though she says she doesn’t believe him, you can see she does.

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“Bitch please. Get in the damn ship.”

Which, via a trip to Mustafar and a force-choking from that guy who was determined NOT to kill her…

Not pictured: love.
Not pictured: love.

…leads us to Padmé “losing the will to live”. There’s also an argument to be made that Padmé’s death was actually a totally meta reflection on the mental state of the audience, but that’s for another time, perhaps.

Her and 96% of your audience! Get it together!
Her and 96% of the audience! Get it together!

But it’s not just a convenient plot device that snatches Padmé away from us far too soon. As we’ve seen, Padmé has been mind-tricked into a relationship spanning at least a few years, rendering her catatonic when not around the apparent love of her life. When Anakin finally succumbs to the power and funky headgear of the Dark Side, he becomes, like all Sith, incapable of real love. And I don’t think it would be too much of a leap to say that on Mustafar, Anakin’s love for Padmé turned into hate.

Without Anakin’s love to give her life purpose, Padmé has literally nothing to live for. And feeling the love that’s been projected into her entire being for years turn to hate must feel like breathing razor blades. There’s nothing left that she can live for, not even her children. Anakin’s love -or rough approximation of it- was so insinuated in her mind that without it, she physically can’t exist any more.

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There’s not though, is there, you’re just delusional.

She hangs on just long enough to name her kids and blindly defend Anakin one last time, and then she dies. Leaving us with nothing but two kids, enough dresses to clothe the population of Coruscant, and the shittest “NO” in the galaxy.

~FIN~
~FIN~
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