It has been many a year since I ventured into the world of the public transport commuter; so long indeed that I actually forgot why I now drive EVERYWHERE!
Today is one of my works Christmas dos and naively I thought that it might be an idea to have a bit of a Christmas ‘tipple,’ tis the season and all that merriment. Sadly, being a responsible gentlemen and a pillar of the community I thought it best I leave my Hog… VW Passat estate, that my mum gave me.. cough, at my palatial manor and get a local cab to the train station with my beloved.
We exited the taxi and stood at the train station, in the crisp winter morning with all the rest of our middle class working chums and waited for our transportation into town.
Current time: 0759
Train Due: 0801
Train arrived: 0802
“Happy days” I thought, “no wait” Up until this point I had dreaded the idea of standing at a station for hours, so getting there and one turning up within a few minutes was a welcome change from my past experiences; unluckily for me and my other half, this was the only “plus” point about our journey into town. Faces of joy over the efficiency of the British Railway system soon evaporated into ones of pure horror when, what I can only describe as a 50 year old ‘converted’ cattle cart, came lumbering into the station filled to the brim with mooing commuters…. I do not exaggerate, this thing made trains we have back home in N.Ireland look positively futuristic and made me long for the wide open spaces of the people carts you see in old war movies, shipping off prisoners from the front… Take me to stalag luft iv!
Thinking about it, I don’t know why I was so surprised? What was I expecting really? A brand new, Virgin bullet train; with seats for all and a smiling hostess handing out complimentary newspapers, nuts and hot, lemon fresh towels? This is what our trains look like and this is what I remember from the dark days before I had my own transport; I digress.
t I believe some commuters, who had been standing for some time were on the verge of a break through by the looks on their faces; either that or they had gone quite mad.
We made an attempt to move to the isles, to make space for people behind us but were blocked by some timid creatures who obviously thought moving down the train was paramount to entering the den of a rabid train beast! I honestly got a look of “I cant go down there, they all have seats” the sort of look you see a lower level ape giving the alpha male when he’s trying to sneak into his territory ( or his mate ;o) ). after finally managed to cox these people down the train a bit, I settled in for my stand to Manchester (doing a bit of people watching to make the time pass quicker). All the while: the rest of the commuters, who got on after, huddled round the door; I can only assume for protection and warmth? It was during this stand that I made some observations.
Don’t worry I’m getting to my point now……
WHERE ARE PEOPLES MANNERS!? I know I don’t have many redeeming features but one thing I can honestly say I have is Manners. I say please and thank you; open doors for people and let them go first in queues, let older people and pregnant woman have my seat and try to be pleasant in general. Traits that are completely non existent in what I can only guess is the greater part of our community today. A sweeping generalisation I know, considering it’s the first train I’ve been on for a long time but I think, with the amount of people that were crammed onto said train, that I have a good cross section to make a judgment.
Standing there with my girlfriend standing beside me, it occurred to me that no one had offered her a seat, Everyone just sat and looked at their smart phones and tried not to make eye contact. Ok, maybe this is a very out dated concept of gentlemanly honour and some people might even take offense that I was insinuating that strong, modern woman were unable to stand like their male equals. So I let the thought leave my mind and continued to scan around; something caught my eye a minute later….
Straight ahead, near one of the doors, at the other end of the train was a quite petite, heavily pregnant lady, looking extremely uncomfortable and hemmed in by other passengers; an uncomfortable position at the best of times but whilst pregnant? Had I have been sitting near her, being brought up well as I was, my first instinct would have been to get up and give her my chair; a thought I honestly assumed would have been the first thing to come into anyone’s head in those circumstance, but not one person made any attempt at giving up a seat! I was actually mortified and if it wasn’t for the swelling masses in front of me, I honestly could have run down to the other end of the train, slapped every I-phone gawking passenger on the way, ripped the nearest person to her off their seat and sat her down.
An Isolated case maybe, centralised on a single train in Manchester? Apparently not! Talking to my, also heavily pregnant colleague in work she informed me that she is never given a seat on her train either! In fact yesterday she rode the train all the way home, with people looking at her and one had the cheek to say, when they got off: “oh, had I known you were pregnant, I would have given you my seat.” What’s a pregnant woman got to do, seriously?! Go up to a person on a seat and physically give birth on top of them? This attitude really made my blood boil but I reframed from any acts of futile pontificating because 1. I doubt anyone would have looked up from their smart phone long enough to take notice and 2. The ticket guy was on his way down so I had to get some money to pay him.
“Tickets Please” The guy shouts as he traverses his way through the heaving masses. Pregnant lady, nearly giving birth where she stood offers her ticket with a friendly smile. “Tickets please” he moves up the queue towards me; weaving in and out of the standing horde. It was then, whilst rummaging for my money, that I started noticing another extremely irksome trait a lot of the passengers were displaying , this time towards the conductor.
This guy is just trying to do his job, asking to see peoples tickets, but yet the vast majority, sitting down I might add, looked at him like he’d walked into their childrens play ground and asked if they minded if he watched, took photos and touched himself inappropriately. One chap in particular actually got annoyed with the conductor, tutted, huffed and rolled his eyes, then got his ticket out and pretty much through it at his face. I felt like grabbing the conductor’s ticket machine and smashing the guys face in with it…You know that quote from Mallrats “THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS AN ASSHOLE!” has never been more aptly proved…. go to your calm place Matthew.. You’re in a forest, with Heather Loclear…. I reframed from any such mindless violence, calmed myself and continued standing there in silence.
Finally Piccadilly train station came into sight and the whole ordeal was over… or was it? The final part of my induction into train travel, and now one of the reasons I’ll probably drive everywhere and not drink, is when the train stopped and I was stampeded off ; people sitting down feeling that because they had the seats that they had the right to be off first as well; A guy banged into me and dropped the poppy I had on my lapel. It was his fault of course but being the upstanding gentleman I am, I apologised. It was what happened next that nearly sent me in to a Hulk Green Rage! This guy, said nothing; looked at me; looked at the poppy on the floor, kicked it and then proceeded onwards on his day to day savagery! I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do, the whole journey was like a really bad anti -PSA and this just added to the proverbial icing on the cake!
WHAT IS WITH PEOPLE!? I’m not an angry person (a lover not a fighter) but after that train journey I could have seriously set fire to every single person (bar the poor pregnant lady) on it and felt no remorse; part of me might have actually felt like he’d done the world a favour. Have we sunk so low that we are now reverting back to animalistic traits of kill or be killed.. This is survival of the fittest taken to its worst extreme surely? I have no doubt some of these people are perfectly nice in their day jobs and when they go home to their kids but that doesn’t mean that as soon as they get on a train they have to turn in to JO THE WONDER NOB! Special abilities: being able to stare at my I-phone for the entire journey without looking up once; the ability to berate the conductor for not being telepathic and the ability to cut base human emotions out of their commute.
I beseech you my fellow geeks, don’t be one of these people. No matter how bad a day you are having, make sure you show decorum and manners. If there is an elderly or pregnant lady without a seat, give her yours; if there is a person on the train giving grief to the conductor, smash his face in….. You see what public transport has done to me! GAAAAAAA
That Geeks and Geekettes is what Grinds my Gearys