THE BEST OF MARVEL
Captain Marvel #4 (writer: Kelly Sue DeConnick; artists: Dexter Soy & Al Barrionuevo)
At this point I owe a great debt to Doctor Who for giving the world the phrase “wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff”, as had that never been written, I would have had to -shudder- actually explain what the heck goes on in half of the comics I read. Anyway, due to the aforementioned WWTWS, Carol Danvers is in World War II with a bunch of lady pilots called the Banshees. The gender issue is handled in a reasonably realistic way- it’s made clear that the Banshees are not treated as equals by the men, that their current role as civil service ferry pilots is a purely civilian one, and that their previous experience is pretty much limited to crop-dusting. Their spirit, however, turns the comic from just another humdrum military pride poster into something genuinely fun and interesting. It’s everything Blackhawks should have been, and more. What really makes it for me, is that Carol Danvers slides into their group perfectly- she doesn’t fix everything with her 21st century ways, but works respectfully alongside them. This issue was dedicated to the recently-passed first female astronaut Sally Ride, and I can’t think of a more perfect tribute.
Call me a sadist, but I’m a sucker for good people being forced to do bad things. It’s nice to see a conflict behind the hitting of things, y’know? Karma’s half-sister has infected the A-X-Men with nano-worms, and orders them to capture the island of Madripoor for her or she will do unspeakable things to their bodies, turning Northstar blind by way of demonstration. This, quite unexpectedly, fractures the team into those who believe they should do as she says, and those who believe no compromise should be made. The result is a beloved X-Man falling to a firey, melty doom that I hope will not be permanent.
Another thing I’m a sucker for is clone angst, which goes a long way towards explaining my undying love for X-23, Scarlet Spider and Bentley 23 of the FF. Bentley, a young boy whose interests appear to revolve around ping pong and cheeseburgers, is the cloned spawn of Fantastic Four nemesis the Wizard, with all the emotional turmoil that inevitably brings. This story is standard clone fare, pretty much revolving around the idea of good and evil being a choice rather than a destiny, but seen through the eyes of the FF kids, it’s given an innocent and heartwarming twist. Unusually for a clone, Bentley gets a sort of closure about his identity, and the writer resists the urge to foreshadow him eventually turning evil. All in all, it’s a fresh take on a classic plot, with the added bonus of a bunch of cute genius kids.
The Ultimates #16 
I never really got into Ultimate Marvel, I have to say. I thought Ultimate X-Men went to hell pretty quickly, and beyond that my only real knowledge was of the death of Peter Parker and the rise of Miles Morales, and the fact that Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch are apparently sleeping together. So I kinda regarded the Ultimate universe as “that place where all the mental shit happens”, and didn’t read it, not even (it shames me to admit) for the purposes of these reviews. But I read this one, and I’m glad I did. Captain America becomes President of the United States, which aren’t so united any more, but he soon fixes that by beating the crap out of warring generals and forcing them to kiss and make up. He shrugs off assassination attempts and government corruption like it ain’t no thang, and is a sexy and badass counterpart to the more diplomatic Cap-616. This comic made me want to jump on the sofa shouting “USA! USA!” and that’s not a feeling I usually (or indeed ever) experience.
DON’T WASTE YOUR MONEY ON
Absolutely nothing. Seriously. Marvel has had a wonderful week, and you pretty much can’t go wrong whatever you buy. Take a whole galaxy of gold stars, Marvel, you wonderful people you.
ALSO
Spider-Man solves the Alpha problem in The Amazing Spider-Man #694!
Meet the missing link between humans and mutants in X-Men #36!
Rogue and Magneto talk about their relationship in X-Men Legacy #274!
THE BEST OF DC
This week, Zero Month draws to a blessed, merciful close. Weirdly, though, in my quest to find something -anything- that’s not yet another goddamn origin story, I’ve found a bunch of comics I wouldn’t have looked twice at otherwise. Superman Family Adventures is a case in point. Yes, the art style wouldn’t look out of place in a colouring book, and the story is aimed solely at kids, without the odd mature joke we’ve come to expect of good cartoons. But it’s so much fun that you can’t help but laugh along. Lex Luthor’s henchman Otis gets transformed into the supervillain Parasite with the help of some purple kryptonite, the Super Pets get a special delivery, and Lex Luthor gets an internship at the Daily Planet. It’s not going to win any awards, but it’s good for a laugh.
Batman: The Dark Knight #0 (writer: Gregg Hurwitz; artists: Mico Suayan & Juan Jose Ryp)
“We know where it starts… …but do we know where it ends?” So begins the origin story of Batman, which had me bracing myself for a 20-page summary of Batman Begins. Only that’s not what this is. Taking place immediately in the aftermath of the deaths of Thomas and Martha Wayne, it deals with Bruce’s struggle (not Batman’s, Bruce’s) to track down his parents’ killer and the powerful organisation that he’s sure is behind the whole thing. Of course, we know that there is no such organisation, which makes this an inevitably sad story; the moment when Bruce realises his parents died for nothing is pure heartbreak, as is the sad state of the downtrodden criminals of Gotham. It’s brilliant to finally see a part of Bruce’s life without Batman, and indeed where bats aren’t even mentioned.
The Red Lanterns series has always been one of my favourites, mostly because I think we can empathise with rage a lot easier than will, so these guys seem better fleshed out as characters, and their rage completely justified. This issue briefly fills us in on Atrocitus’ backstory, in case you hadn’t heard it before, but doesn’t spend to long on it, preferring instead to detail the origin of the Red Lantern as a corps, including how Atrocitus came across that fancy blood magic, and how he had all the other colours in the emotional spectrum stripped from his soul. Much like its green counterpart, the entire comic is pretty much all one colour, which gets a little tiresome, but that’s more than made up for with the quality of the art which wouldn’t look out of place in the darker titles like Animal Man.
Talon #0(writers: James Tynion IV & Scott Snyder; artist: Guillem March)
The last living Talon from the Court of the Owls is now starring in his own ongoing series, so this origin story is -shocker!- actually a welcome and relevant start to the series. Calvin Rose, an escapologist in Haly’s circus, is headhunted to become a Talon, and that’s pretty much all there is to this issue. It’s fleshed out with a look into his past and how he ended up at Haly’s, his life’s motif of escaping, and his distaste for killing as the reason he finally breaks away from the Owls. Like The Phantom Stranger, it’s a strong start to what I’m sure will be a brilliant series.
It’s over. Thank Pandora, it’s all finally over.
DON’T WASTE YOUR MONEY ON
Before Watchmen: Ozymandias #3 (writer: Len Wein; artist: Jae Lee)
I know, I know. I shouldn’t have bothered to read this after the scathing review I wrote of #1, but I honestly thought it might have gotten better. OK, I didn’t, I just thought it’d provide me with some prime snark fodder. So sue me.
It hasn’t got any better, but it hasn’t got any worse either, so there’s that. Ozy is now crimefighting full-time, and has developed a stalkerish man-crush on Doctor Manhattan. Purely for his mind, and the scientific potential he represents, and not all for the giant blue wang. He starts the issue by fighting the Comedian, for reasons presumably laid out in issue #2, which I didn’t read because I wasn’t doing these reviews a month ago and I feared I would start frothing at the mouth and bleeding from the eyes. So. He fights the Comedian and doesn’t get hurt in any way, despite Mr C having military training and experience behind him and Ozy being a spoilt rich boy. He does get knocked on his back when the Comedian “cheats”, but he gets up straight away so we understand how badass he is, yawn yawn. Seriously, if Rorschach can be beaten almost into unconsciousness in his own miniseries, why is Len Wein so reluctant to let Ozy crease his shirt? Also, this may come as a shock to Ozy, but there is no such thing as cheating in a street fight; there is walking away, and there is not, and that’s all there is to it. What, you thought thugs and criminals would obey the rules of the dojo? Give me a break.
Things get close to interesting when Ozy and a bunch of other capes put on a charity show, but again it’s turned into yet another excuse to prove how fantabulous Ozy is when he offers veteran hero Mothman a few words of encouragement to help him overcome his stage fright. Because apparently, a hero who has been flying the streets at night in the war against crime is incapable of doing so in front of an audience without some pompous Aryan jackass telling him everything’s going to be A-OK.
One more thing. One final thing and then I will stop spewing bile. I quote directly from the comic here: “I left my prey dangling outside police HQ, bound in my now-trademark Gordian Knot” Leaving aside the hideously unsubtle reference to Alexander the Great YET AGAIN, this is so ridiculous it makes my teeth burn. The Gordian Knot was a myth, embellished by years of retelling stories. People cannot decide if it even was a knot, or whether it was some sort of metaphor for a situation, like when King Solomon said “Cut the baby in half”. But he’s a genius, so say he found irrefutable proof that the Gordian Knot was in fact an actual knot, and worked out how it would have had to be tied in order to be so devilishly complex to untie. Surely he would realise that keeping the bad guys unconscious, and the general public away, for the hours it would take to tie his trademark knot would be ridiculous, especially because THE POLICE WILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT’S MEANT TO BE. Ozy, you are wasting precious time tying a knot that nobody will understand the symbolism behind, just so you can chortle to yourself about how clever you are. You colossal fucking prick.
ALSO
Aquaman #0 presents a brief history of the Atlantean monarchy!
Not an origin- a new beginning in The Fury of Firestorm #0!
Do you wish Shakespeare had written a vampire story? Check out I, Vampire #0!