I love History and always have done. From watching war films with my dad, to listening to stories of my Grandfather’s exploits in the RAF during WW2; it has captivated me and percolates through nearly every interest I have – be it gaming, song inspiration, model making and reading. My library, apart from holding all Tolkien’s works and the: A Song of Fire and Ice series, consists almost entirely historical fact and fiction books. From: Clausewitz ‘On War’ and Sun Tzu’s ‘The Art of War,’ to Bernard Cornwell’s entire ‘Sharpe’ series and Steven Pressfield’s ‘Gates of Fire,’ I live and breathe historic literature, so much so, that I will automatically go to the military history section of a book store without thinking – a habit I rarely deviate from.
Suffice to say, after spending my life reading these sorts of books, I do know a thing or two (I do not profess to be an ‘expert’ just a keen enthusiast) and have picked up the odd tid bit of knowledge along the way. So I think I should share some of this “knowledge” – but where’s the best place to start? Well it is my opinion that history should be taught, warts and all, even if it makes uncomfortable reading. I’ve never seen the point of sugar coating or not teaching things just because it doesn’t fit in with your view on the world. History should be unbiased. Bad shit happens, atrocities are committed and your country and its heroes, probably did something stupid or unforgivable in the past. But that’s just it… the past; learn about it and understand it, don’t hide from it or dwell on it.
The following was inspired by a lecture I had while ago in University, entitled: “It’s not the truth, it’s what you believe.” It is about historical myths, lies and inaccuracies that are commonly accepted around the world because it is easier to believe than to question.
Enjoy, and if you don’t believe me, maybe it might inspire you to read more about the subject,to prove me wrong.
Ancient History
So who did build the pyramids? Contrary to belief masses of oppressed, whipped and starved slaves did NOT build the pyramids. The great tombs were built 2575 B.C. to 2467 B.C and were constructed by over 10,000 workers (not slaves). These workers were rotated monthly, paid well and given plenty of provisions. They were even given their own graveyard to bury those who died during the construction.
Row, Row, Row, your boat – Roman and Greek Triremes / Galleys were not rowed by slaves as implied in the movies. Rowing was a professional, skilled and (for good rowing teams) a well paid job. In some cases, as with the Athenians during the Peloponnesian War, rowing was seen as an extension of an Athenians democratic duty. Mercenaries, freedmen and the rich a-like, shouldered the burden of protecting their native shores.
THIS IS SPARTA! – Again as depicted in the movies, the 300 Spartans who fought to the death at Thermopylae did not do so alone. This is a miss-conception and an injustice to the other Greeks who stayed behind (700 Thespians, 400 Thebans and a few hundred others) to help defend the pass.
Other things to know about the Spartans:
- They had 2 kings and not just the one (handy to have a spare just incase a Persian mob decided to throw their weight around and mutilate one)
- They institutionalized pederasty. Spartan boys were obliged to take an older lover and, as the saying goes, bend over and take one for the team.
- The entire Spartan society was militarized, so manual labour and other such menial jobs were entrusted to an oppressed, servile race, called the Helots, who they had conquered many years before. The Spartans had no qualms about murdering slaves as a part of their youngs initiation rites.
- Had a reputation for never surrendering and fighting to the death; somewhat of an embarrassment then, when in 425 BC, a force of Spartans, trapped and pelted with arrows at Sphacteria, surrendered to an Athenian force. they excused themselves by complaining the Athenians fought like women, attacking from afar and had there been a stand up fight, the Spartans would have been victorious! This surrender caused ripples that shook the foundation of Spartan society and the Helots they lorded over.
Spaghetti Eastern – Spaghetti is an Italian staple but noodle dishes have been made in China as far back as 2000BC. Contrary to belief, Marco Polo did not introduce it to Italy, in fact it is now believed that the Arabs, or Saracens as they were known, first developed how to work grain into long noodles and brought it with them when they invaded southern Italy in the 12th Century (or the 6th century in their calendar)
Britain and Ireland
Waterloo, the great…German victory? – Waterloo is famed as being one of Britain’s finest moments, where the Duke of Wellington, master of defence, finally faced off with the master of offence; Napoleon. It has gone down in history as one of Britain’s biggest and most well known victories and made an already venerated Wellington, a national hero. There is no denying, it was a “close run thing” and a lot of credit can go to Wellington’s nerve and ability, but sadly it was more a German victory than a British one; with the majority of the allied combatants being, well, German: 26000 of them, under Wellingtons command and 50000 Prussians under Blucher. Some people might remember that next time they are ribbing the Germans about the World Wars because if it wasnt for our German cousins, the world might be a completely different place.
And we owe it all to Belgium – Belgium, despite being the ‘place to be’ if you are fighting a warhas recently, according to academics, taken credit for one of Britain’s biggest institutions: Cricket! New research states, after uncovering a poem dating from 1533, that the game was brought to England by Flemish weavers and played with Sheep herding crooks. Within the poems text “kings of crekettes” and “wickettes” are mentioned, adding a bit more credence to the claim… Begs the question, why don’t they play it still?
Other British things the Belgians are laying claim to now
- Chips – it seems they have made them since the 17th Century but its ok, Britain was the first country to have a chip shop (in Oldham)
- Golf – evolved along the same lines as cricket.. industrious people these Flemish
Oppressed or oppressor? – Many of the Irish are proud of their Celtic heritage, with the English / British occupation of their lands in the past (depending what side of the fence you sit) being a bit of a sore point. Many politicians and patriotic citizens will hark back to the dawn of time and point out that Eire has always been their land… but has it though? It is interesting to note that the so long oppressed and colonised Celtic Irish were in fact a bit handy at colonising and oppressing.
The Celts, as the Gaelic tribes were collectively known, came from central Europe (what is southern Germany, Austria and eastern France) and unhappy with their lot, increasingly due to Roman expansion, they started to fan out across Europe: Raping, pillaging, fighting, sacrificing and generally being unpleasant along the way. Local peoples who had been in places like: Ireland and Britain from as early as 8000BC were wiped out and their lands taken, as the Celtic land grab continued. Sadly, all good things must come to an end; the land ran out. Unperturbed they just started fighting each other (sounds familiar) and cast their eye on their neighboring tribes’ lands.
It is because of this in fighting that a certain tribe of Celts, who had settled in Ireland, called the “Scoti” decided to pop across the Irish Sea and have a rumble with the tribes there. After expanding their power base in the north and assimilating or wiping out rival tribes like the Picts, the land became known as the land of the Scoti, or Scotland.* Ironically it was the Scottish who popped back across the Irish Sea and set up plantations in 1610.
*Interesting Fact: Scoti is the masculine form of the Latin meaning, Irishmen and Scotia is the feminine. So technically Scotland means the land of the Irishmen and Nova Scotia means new land of the Irishwoman?
Boyne, Boyne, Boyne – The battle of the Boyne, celebrated by my countrymen (N.Ireland) on the 12th day of July to remember a glorious victory over the Catholic hordes, a turning point in the Jacobite War… but yet the battle wasn’t actually fought on the 12th, it was fought on the11th, Catholics and Protestants fought on both sides; the Williamite army consisted mainly of Germans, Dutch, French and Danes but; both sides were effectively fighting for a British monarch (ironically) and the battle itself was a minor incident, with minimal casualties on both sides. Interestingly enough the most pivotal battle of the war was the Battle of Aughrim (Galway) and it WAS fought on the 12th July! To add insult to injury all the fighting In Ireland was nothing to do with Ireland or its freedoms. It was more to do with two kings duking it out for power. But at least we get a day off every July, oh wait I live in England now so I don’t even get that!
Who discovered America? – Columbus? WRONG! Amerigo Vespucci? WRONG! – Vikings had been jaunting over the seas to America since around 1000 AD; So, sorry fellas, you got there 500 years too late.
For Freedom.. I mean tax avoidance – It is a brave man who questions the justification of the American Revolution. Independence from Britain is a bastion of the American identity and to imply that the reasons for its rebellion were unfounded or purely on selfish grounds, is to strike the very heart of American culture and constitution. Thankfully there are some such brave souls around to stir things up a bit and revisionist histories, though few, have been written.
One such history makes the assertion that “American colonists who declared their independence from England…were not an idealistic band of freedom fighters but a pack of whiners, welshers, and tax cheats.” To put this into context, even though written by a Canadian, it was not just a pop at his southern neighbours but based on the fact that taxation at that time (one of the key contributors to the revolution), was a necessity, not only to protect the colonies but to help pay for the huge debt incurred during the 7 years war (French and Indian War) fought to protect the colonies from the French and their Native American Allies.
He goes on to state that the rich elite, unhappy that they were being taxed, felt the only way to change things was to stir up agitation and get the support of the masses. In Boston 5% of the population owned 50% of the land and the taxation that hit their pockets never really affected the less well off… but, “Rome is the Mob” as they say and the Merchants would fight taxation any way they could; even if this meant starting a War to get rid of it.
Other interesting facts about the American Revolution.
- The British, as well as imposing taxation on the Colonials, also prevented them from expanding into Native American territory (many of whom had helped the British in the French and Indian War.) This again helped stir up resentment and lead to rebellion… can’t do right for wrong eh?
- The “Boston Massacre” played straight into the revolutionaries hands, when 8 soldiers fired into a crowd, killing 5 people. Surprisingly John Adams, one of the founding fathers and later a president of the United States, defended the soldiers in court, had 6 of them acquitted and the other 2 given reduced man slaughter sentences. It was established that the crowd were taunting the soldiers, throwing stones and saying “Fire and be damned.” Obviously trying to spark a response and so uniting neutral Americans to the revolutionary cause. The Captain in charge of the soldiers, Preston, told them not to fire but one of his men was hit by a stone, causing him to discharge his weapon; this in turn caused the rest of the nervous soldiers to fire in turn.
A War against slavery? – If you were to ask most people what the American Civil War was fought for, they would say “Slavery” Sadly this is only a half truth born of circumstance. The ACW was originally a war of unification or independence (depending on what side you were on), after the majority of the southern states seceded from the Union in 1861. Granted, one of the reasons they left in the first place, was a fear that the abolitionist movement in the North might spread to them and threaten the lucrative cotton trade, which relied greatly on slaves, but the confederacy’s main war aim was independence, where as the North was fighting to keep the Union.
Slavery and its abolition, as per the emancipation proclamation, was a by-product of Lincolns fear that Europe might get involved and recognise the south. Abolishing slavery made it impossible for Britain to intervene on behalf of the pro slavery Confederacy and was Lincoln’s master stroke to fend off foreign intervention whilst simultaneously- rallying the Union to a more “Godly” fight.
“My paramount object in this struggle is to save the Union, and is not either to save or to destroy slavery. If I could save the Union without freeing any slave I would do it, and if I could save it by freeing all the slaves I would do it; and if I could save it by freeing some and leaving others alone I would also do that. What I do about slavery, and the colored race, I do because I believe it helps to save the Union; and what I forbear, I forbear because I do not believe it. would help to save the Union. I shall do less whenever I shall believe what I am doing hurts the cause, and I shall do more whenever I shall believe doing more will help the cause.” – Abraham Lincoln
Japanese Invasion of America? – that’s right ladies and gents, Japan DID in fact invade American soil in 1942. Said soil, may have been some cold islands in Alaska, called the Aleutian Islands, but it was American soil all the same. Don’t worry, with help from the Canadians they managed to get it back.. sadly at quite a big cost.
France
Napoleons genocide – There is no denying Napoleon was a smart cookie and a great general, someone the French (its seems) are very proud of, and rightly so you would think. Problem is, he could and in some historian’s views, should, be lumped in with genocidal douches like Hitler and Stalin.
Hitler was so enamoured with the Napoleonic Legend that he visited his tomb during the invasion of France in 1940, twice. Going as far as to pile sand bags around it to stop any bomb damage… must be love. Hitler was obviously greatly influenced by the Emperor; you only have to look at the death toll and methods of torture during the Napoleonic Wars to see why Hitler was so smitten. Historians estimate between 2.5 and 6 million dead (as a direct consequence of his actions) and recently it was also discovered that Napoleon ordered the deaths (by Gassing) of 100,000 Haitian slaves. As well tying children inside sandbags and drowning them in the sea!
The fog of history makes it easy to forget that some of the people we admire were in fact genocidal fuck heads!
Matt Geary
May 20/05/2012